Re: A rhyme with no place to go. by darby pyn	31-Jul-05/6:35 AM
'malignant palms squeeze saturation hieroglyphic masturbation.' This line about graffiti is awesome! This is a strange poem, with layers that warrant repeated reads. I read it several times, and it grew on me more each time. Good job. Actually, it would make great lyrics I think!
Re: Thoughts by drnick	31-Jul-05/6:39 AM
hmm..cathy little thing...yeah, I like it well enough. Doesn't Intellectual have two l's?
Re: Then what is the sleeve? by T. Jonathron Remp	31-Jul-05/6:47 AM
Sorry...this thought was Far too free for me...so disconnected...too disconnected to make sense out of. My favorite line was> "The flesh-covered oven hovered as I sat And watched as they pried the g from the front of the gnat" Although I wouldn't have used AS two times, and perhaps would have shortened the line with a word change here or there.
Re: Weariness by Niphredil	31-Jul-05/6:55 AM
I would change blanketing to blankets, and take out the comma after sky. Actually, I would take out all the punctuation, take out "and' and use "the flashes of light".
Re: BY ALL YOUR HEART by prettyktm	31-Jul-05/7:03 AM
too keep> to keep Coz> 'cause Do you love me like I do> implies, Do you love me like I love me? By all your heart> ? with all your heart? ( and, sweetie, he WILL say and promise anything and everything to get 'all of you', and in all probability he will not stand by your side forever; in fact, he may never speak to you again.)
Re: Child Shaped Adult by http://mulberryfairy	31-Jul-05/7:07 AM
I liked this one! Th ending was kind of unexpected and abrupt, though.
Re: Amputation by Enkidu	31-Jul-05/7:09 AM
Giggled at this one!
Re: If you're done, I'd like my Battle Axe please by D. $ Fontera	31-Jul-05/7:13 AM
I love this...I think I would change "I would most appreciate it If you considered returning" to 'if you'd consider returning'. and "before you get it back to me" perhaps would change 'get' to 'give', or 'return it to me?'
Re: The Shape of Shadows by MacFrantic	31-Jul-05/7:16 AM
This is the first lyrics posting that I actually kind of liked!
Re: This Just In... by drnick	31-Jul-05/7:21 AM
Expierience would say to use spell checker before posting...(just a hint!) Needs a comma after blood. A period ofter tears. That said...I just don't see the point of this one. "It's a dark world, or is it? Can reality be so explicit?" <could be cut out, without any ill effects.
Re: you can't find me by daggatolar	31-Jul-05/7:26 AM
Check this over for spelling. I understand not using punctuation rather than using it in the wrong way...but this needs puntuaction to clear it up. "and i am not anything, the love you gave me once" work on the places where you break...a break was not called for here. Work on the format. I like some of the runs of thought and wording...with some work this would be a good piece.
Re: End of Me by sonawrote	31-Jul-05/8:03 AM
I am going to take the time, because I really like this one, so full of truths, and so naked you bore yourself. I use to> I used to (corrected), the sparse use of commas needs fixing. It needs many commas, (end of line 2)and periods at the ends of sentences. "be held in your arms(.)" 'your quirky laugh'(.) or (;) 'love, that we once shared'> take out the comma. 'and wish you understood how deep it was'> and wished you understood...and wish you could have understood (?)...needs a change here. The use of 'became' became monotonous, consider mixing in some other words in place of 'became'. ("I used to" did not get on my nerves with its repeated use, but maybe you could use other words in some places of its use, as well.> "I once" or "Once, I" "In time's past") "and now, here you were"> now says now, so should be "and now, here you are", or change, to> "and then, there you were" I was so desperate, not to give up all those years > I was so desperate to not give up all those years. (take out the comma.) became bitterness, and I feel alone> became/felt or becomes/ feel. Drug became his mistress...get rid of "her" or him, or you will be the next casualty. (And maybe losing you will be the push he needs to get the help he needs, and Maybe, somewhere down the road, he will find his way back to himself...and you. Maybe then you won't want to devote the time to him, maybe you will. Take care of you...if you don't, who will? And if not for yourself, then for your child.)I gave you an 8 for content.
Re: What?! by drnick	31-Jul-05/11:30 PM
Reads well if read rather fast...why have the choice of we never choose, indeed! Doing nothing IS doing something...it is a choice, and feeds some thing or another, some side or another, promotes one thing or another...as does silence! (Especially when you want to scream!)
Re: Interstellar Planetary Escape Plan by drnick	3-Aug-05/12:52 AM
I LOVE the last 4 lines! (Lines 5-8 have a good cadence/rythm, as do the last four lines)
Re: Tangled web. by darby pyn	3-Aug-05/1:15 AM
their> there clinched> clenched? my woos> ? made up word? (I've been known to use them) or woes? if so then next words don't rhyme. ? I'm too tired to look up> hypocrisy looks mispelled, but it might just not be. This is a strange piece for me to digest...The first stanza makes No sense to me at all, but then the rest seems connected and I decide I like it...so disconnected, and at places hard to read> hard to know where to pause, break, start, stop. You use punctuation, so maybe doing some cleaning up on that would help to clarify some places. Example> 'I’m the one she had not the one who was chosen' Is this to read?: 'I’m the one she had, not the one who was chosen.' You use periods, but no capitalization, other than 'I' and 'A-frame', maybe you would consider fixing that. Besides the technical stuff, and the fact that I am facinated by the strangness of the wording, aaaaaand that I have decided I like alot of the lines...I am not sure what this is even about, or what it is saying...all I know is that it leaves a sour taste in my mouth, a feeling of morbid facination with what ever in the world is going on in this piece- which I suppose is the intent...but.. there is more to it than that, a deeper thing in there...but what? I am not sure! I gave you a fairly high score in spite of what all is wrong with this piece...because I have the feeling there is a gem in there.
Re: After He Left by Dovina	3-Aug-05/1:20 AM
possesseions> spelling error. Other than that...cool! My fav:"Perhaps that's why I hord the world in words with hope that when I die the sum suggests" <I adore this...belongs in the "Writer's Anthem". No, there is no such thing, just in my mind, when I run across words that say our passion, dive, and purpose so eloquently)
Re: Tarragon by D. $ Fontera	26-Aug-05/4:11 PM
I adore: "Her voice weaves sweet,"...awesome line...perhaps change chasses to 'shifts'?... 'She shifts and her hips send thoughts of romance'...etc.
Re: orange crumble by impert&ent	26-Aug-05/4:21 PM
spall? typo? (spill, fall?) made up word? new word I have somehow managed to miss? gap in my vocabulary? What of this wall?...you described it, now I wonder about it...perhaps you could add to this, make it more than just a description. Does this wall match how you feel? How the area feels? Dark and crumbling? Is it decaying while everything else around it is newly built and valued? Is there a contrast you can include, to make this wall interesting? Does is separate you from something, does it line something, does it hold up something of worth, or left to decay as if it is nothing, when it is in fact something? As it stands, it just stands and does not garner much if any attention. I need more than this if I am to take notice of this wall of yours.
regarding some deleted poem...	27-Aug-05/6:36 PM
Thanks for reading and the comments. Now looking at it, I think my 'spell correction' did not catch whispy...should it not be wispy? I have mispelled before, as it seems it should have an h in it, but if I remember correctly, it does not...? LilMsLadyPoet
Re: smoke is rising by celticskatermatt1	28-Aug-05/7:45 PM
spelling check> cought, heros, when YOUR choking, perserver Work on the puncuation, it would help it to read better.