| Re: change (3rd draft) by Adriaan |
15-Feb-06/6:17 AM |
Good but you could have put more imagery in the second verse. Something like-
Hermit sits:
Child's name carved in bark
Red leaves fall.
Not that that's where you were going but you see what I mean?
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| Re: To drnick by amanda_dcosta |
15-Feb-06/2:06 PM |
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Obviously drnick still thinks the best of you also and he doesn't have God to tell him he should.
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
15-Feb-06/2:48 PM |
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| Re: My Dad's Armchair. by Bethy |
15-Feb-06/4:17 PM |
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Hey Bethy good to see you back. Happy Valentines day.
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
16-Feb-06/5:44 AM |
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Hahaha, I'm laughing, see. Now will you stop telling this joke.
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| Re: A young Manâs Demise by Dovina |
16-Feb-06/6:19 AM |
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He doesn't exist outside this poem but I'm sure he resembles quite a few people. I like the character you've made.
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
16-Feb-06/10:14 AM |
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For some reason I keep hearing Springsteen sing this when I read it. Maybe it's because I used to hear "Tenth avenue freeze out" and thought he was saying "Tell the devil you can freeze hell". Anyway for that you get an 8.
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| Re: Mentally Disabled by drnick |
16-Feb-06/10:20 AM |
I'm sure amanda_dcosta can tell you tons of stuff about the mentally disabled.
I like this poem, I haven't read it but I like it.
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| Re: The Gold and silver dress by Caducus |
16-Feb-06/11:24 AM |
I had to look this up so don't feel bad but she didn't rise from the entrails of Poseidon but from Uranus' severed penis. I can certainly see why you wouldn't want to say that though. I only looked it up because I thought she came out of a clam shell.
Everything else in the poem is great.
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| Re: You Sang To Me In A Cathedral Chamber by Ranger |
20-Feb-06/12:44 PM |
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Great lines. Could use some more punctuation to clear things up a bit. Don't be afraid to throw in a couple plain old boring lines for the sake of connecting the more inventive ones.
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| Re: Conflict Resolution by Dovina |
20-Feb-06/1:00 PM |
What a brat.
Nice to see you're using articles in your poems again.
You've got everyone doing these kind of narratives now, even zodiac.
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| Re: Everything That You've Ever Wanted by drnick |
21-Feb-06/6:05 AM |
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I like the beginning lines. Change line 10. Asking for a language that has no lies is like asking for a hammer that hits no thumbs. It's how language is used that dictates whether there are lies present. I don't quite get the last line. Are you saying that your invented world is boring or the world you're in now?
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| Re: Sunday i will dream again by Caducus |
21-Feb-06/6:42 AM |
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| Re: Just Desserts (for drnick) by ALChemy |
21-Feb-06/2:55 PM |
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Yes I know it's spelled "Deserts" but that was supposed to be a play on words although a very naive one I will admit.
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
21-Feb-06/3:03 PM |
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Although many of the metaphors and images have been done before in poetry your arrangement is so nice that it comes across as something very fresh. Nice job.
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| Re: Nude Falling Down Staircase by zodiac |
21-Feb-06/3:52 PM |
Aside from the last line this is a great representation of cubism with a cute parody title.
The final lines threw me off though, they don't seem to go with the scattered multi angle picture you've created.
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| Re: The chestnut by richa |
21-Feb-06/4:04 PM |
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| Re: On Looking Back by Dovina |
22-Feb-06/11:34 AM |
When Lorena Bobbit cut off her husband's willy the women in my family just laughed and laughed.
I think it was something like the O. J. verdict for women. It's getting to the point that it's not safe to be a cocky white guy anymore.
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| Re: Gaia and Man by Blue Magpie |
25-Feb-06/6:42 AM |
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No matter how beautiful your writing is (and this is some of the best formal verse I've read) if you write something this long you need to change things up a little, break the monotony. I would break up the man's speach into parts and between the parts a stanza of descriptive narrative like he then paused to go take a nap or something. Break it off into lessons(lesson 1, lesson 2 etc.). At least that way if the reader wanted to take a break they could leave when the man goes to take his nap and come back feeling like they don't have to go back over the last couple stanzas to find their place. The same way a story should have different scenes, the same way a good writer might stop part way through a long scene to go to another one and then holding your suspense conclude the former scene, that's how you should hold the reader to your poem. I think it's probably one of the hardest things to do in poetry but I think it'll be easier for someone as talented as you than it would be for most of us.
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| Re: Goodbye by aamir_trichy |
25-Feb-06/6:52 AM |
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This was done in only an hour?!! Tremendous.
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