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Everything That You've Ever Wanted (Free verse) by drnick I'd like to elope this scene
And marry another reality
Where I could sail ruby red seas
Under the soft green moonlight
Where granite stones
Were soft as baby's pillows
I'd like to see enormous atoms
And adoring eyes
To speak with a language
That has no lies
And I am relieved of my fear
For it does not exist
How boring a situation
A conundrum of bliss
Up the ladder:
Serendipity
Down the ladder:
Tears
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: 6.6666665
Posted: February 9, 2006 12:39 PM PST; Last modified: February 9, 2006 12:39 PM PSTWeighted score: 5.8333335 Overall Rank: 1625 Comments:
[7]
Ranger @ 62.252.32.15
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9-Feb-06/1:03 PM
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Reply
If I've interpreted the last 4 lines right (that a life without threat would be incredibly boring) then you have captured one of my deepest beliefs and the last line works marvellously. Perhaps 'Admission of a Dream' would work as a catchier title.
[7]
Dovina @ 69.175.32.104
> Ranger
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9-Feb-06/7:37 PM
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A life without fear is possible without eloping with some fantasy. But in saying that I define fear as mental distress concerning unpleasant posibilities such as dying or losing health or money.
[n/a]
drnick @ 24.176.22.254
> Ranger
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9-Feb-06/8:13 PM
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Reply
Yes, that is part of what I am saying. I take it a bit further, though, and say if all our wishes were made reality we'd find existance boring and intolerable.
[8]
ALChemy @ 24.74.100.11
> drnick
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21-Feb-06/6:14 AM
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Reply
Not if you wished it to be exciting. If all our wishes were granted we'd have to exist in seperate universes or we would eventually be slaves to the wishes of the most creative, ingenious and opportunistic among us.
I've begun to notice that everyone else on here puts a lot more time and effort into their poems than I do(I usually spend an hour/poem), and I don't think it's fair to ask your advice on something I haven't really worked on myself. The stuff I write is just crap, I mean take this poem: how pathetic is my imagry...did you even know I was attemping to have some imagry?-It's that bad. You guys all write some amazing poetry, and I'm sorry for asking you all to do my work for me.
I will now pledge to work harder on my writing, although I have little time with classes, so that I can produce work that is of substance. I thank you all for being so kind and generous with your advice.
An hour is a decent amount of time to spend working on an idea. Unless it's one of those moments of astonishing inspiration you'll need to come back to it to fine tune the details. The imagery in this poem isn't at all bad; don't feel bad about asking for advice, that's what we're here for.
It usually takes me several days to finish a poem. Not that I spend the whole time working on it. You have to walk away and come back. I usually keep the idea I'm trying to get across somewhere in my mind, for example your analogy for softness, and I pay attention to words hear or images I see that convey what i'm trying to represent. You can also invision something from your past that was extremely soft(noun or the experience itself) and try to incorporate into the poem.
You're right and wrong. EVERYONE here doesn't spend a lot of time on their posts. It's been my experience that people generally just write the first thing that pops into their head, post it and then wonder why they've got a bunch of 4's. THat you spent an hour on it is a good start.
Really, it's not about the amount of time you spend but just how much you put into it (If that makes any sense). The more you write and read, the better you'll get. Most of my early posts are complete ass (as are many of my more recent). Also, remember that we're all hacks or we wouldn't be posting here.
don't be so hard on yourself--the imagery isn't bad. Neither is the poem.
I read this yesterday and didn't know exactly what bothered me about it. I like this poem, and I love the title, but there are a few thiings you possibly could make better. For example;
elope means to runaway, yes, but for the majority it means to runaway with & get married so it kinda confuses things at the start. baby's pillows? Are they softer than children or adult pillows? In the 7th line you move from the sea and moonlight to enourmous atoms. Maybe a break in stanza would give it a much needed segue.
And if we obtain everything we wanted, ~ yes, how boring that would be... the expression, "money doesn't buy everything" derives from that, but even more so - if every wish comes true, then what is tomorrow for. I enjoyed the ponderings this poem brought to mind.
I like the beginning lines. Change line 10. Asking for a language that has no lies is like asking for a hammer that hits no thumbs. It's how language is used that dictates whether there are lies present. I don't quite get the last line. Are you saying that your invented world is boring or the world you're in now?
Yes, I suppose you are right about line 10. The last line is the whole purpose of the poem; that in the hypothetical world, where you have everything you've ever wanted, you would find your existance boring and predictable and thus not worth living. True satisfaction is not something the human mind is able to achieve in this way.
I have an old poem that touches on that same idea(to just enjoy the life you're given) but in a different way. Maybe I'll post it and see if it gives you any ideas.
That would be very kind of you, I look forward to reading it.
drnick, I came upon this accidentally, and was quite `happy I did. This is pretty good giving a very Utopian feeling. You, capturing the mood in words, need commending. Good job.
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