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Everything That You've Ever Wanted (Free verse) by drnick

I'd like to elope this scene And marry another reality Where I could sail ruby red seas Under the soft green moonlight Where granite stones Were soft as baby's pillows I'd like to see enormous atoms And adoring eyes To speak with a language That has no lies And I am relieved of my fear For it does not exist How boring a situation A conundrum of bliss

god'swife 10-Feb-06/12:11 PM
I read this yesterday and didn't know exactly what bothered me about it. I like this poem, and I love the title, but there are a few thiings you possibly could make better. For example;

elope means to runaway, yes, but for the majority it means to runaway with & get married so it kinda confuses things at the start.

baby's pillows? Are they softer than children or adult pillows?

In the 7th line you move from the sea and moonlight to enourmous atoms. Maybe a break in stanza would give it a much needed segue.




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