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Conflict Resolution (Free verse) by Dovina How I loved and how I hated
the freedom in her voice,
the lightness in her step.
She got to be her,
and I didnât.
I wanted her to understand,
but words only clanked
like hammer blows on the anvil.
Her eyes fell sad,
as if every meaning had.
Hearing not my words, but hers,
she seemed to catch debris
from emotionâs chaotic surface,
a litany of blame,
scratching and stinging my eardrums
like invisible briars.
Her voice slammed down,
like an ugly garage door
then softened as purple night-lights
shined on it in a kind of tough love,
like a stern, corrective parent.
I sensed a starved desire,
maybe a security measure,
as one delicate and easily saddened.
But when I tried to comfort,
she bit like a wounded dog
at its veterinarian.
So I took it all in,
while she took my reluctance
and created indifference
I fell silent
to protect her
from ratchety thoughts.
Up the ladder:
Across The Spectrum
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questions
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: 6.8333335
Posted: February 20, 2006 8:19 AM PST; Last modified: February 20, 2006 8:19 AM PSTWeighted score: 5.493059 Overall Rank: 2781 Comments:
[8]
drnick @ 24.176.22.254
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20-Feb-06/8:23 AM
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Reply
Hey, you actually took some of my advice! I am honored, and I really do think this is better than the first version. The second stanza is much better now!
[n/a]
Dovina @ 67.72.98.89
> drnick
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20-Feb-06/8:25 AM
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Reply
It was good advice. Thanks.
My intent was to edit this, but I hit Delete by accident, thus losing all of the comments. It's an unpardonable sin, for which I wish there were recompense. Here are the comments, I think:
Drnick: This is good, but I think you could have done better. For instance, lines 6 and 7 could have been worded in a not-so-obvious sort of way (ie "I wanted her to understand, but let mercy be my tounge instead"). The 3rd stanza is awesome, I wouldn't change that at all. The 4th, however, seems as though you rushed through it. The 3rd line in there seems rushed and too vague of an analogy; give us an example of purple night-lights. The 5th line in the 5th stanza should say "bit" not "bite" but I think you could have found a better analogy for that as well. Everything else seems to be in place, you just need to comb out a few of the knots. Ranger: 'She got to be her, and I didn't...' You seem a bit annoyed at the moment! Ecargo: The idea here is good, but some problems with execution, i.e., language/sense ("she bite like a dog," which I'm pretty sure is just a typo; "eyes fell sad, as if every meaning had"); cliches (lilt in voice, bounce in step); and troublesome metaphors (briars scratching at eardrums, etc.). Thank you all for commenting. These comments were useful.
'For instance, lines 6 and 7 could have been worded in a not-so-obvious sort of way (ie "I wanted her to understand, but let mercy be my tounge instead").'
This is terrible advice. It infers that the less likely the reader is to understand it the more magical the poem becomes.
Not necessarily. If it's done right, it gives the reader all the information they need while at the same time making the reader's imagination work. A poem which gives a definite, strict reading is all very well, but better is the poem which leaves the reader feeling that they created part of the world.
Does this count as rambling?
There are a number of ways to draw in the reader. Having your poem make less sense is not one of them. :(
Being 'not-so-obvious' isn't the same as making less sense. A better way of putting it might be 'be more subtle'.
Could the two of you stop arguing long enough to comment on my revisiion of verse 2 from:
I wanted her to understand, but couldn't let her. to: I wanted her to understand, but words only clanked like hammer blows on the anvil.
We weren't arguing, just searching for a peaceful conflict resolution.
As for the edit, I like it more now - hence the improved score - but the only problem I have is that by saying 'the anvil' you imply that it's a recurring theme, or at least something you've already introduced us to before (I've been guilty of doing this on countless occasions). Is the anvil her heart, her confidence? Or are the words ricocheting back to you, deflected off her stubbornness? It seems to me that stanza 2 could be read either way, which isn't a bad thing but if you want the ambiguity then ironically enough it seems as though you need to express your desire for such ambiguity. I do like this one though. Useful, Ma'am?
Yes, that is useful. But actually, the anvil is a very bad idea, and I hereby renounce the thing. First, nobody pounds on an anvil with a hammer. They pound on something held against an anvil for support. Second, when I say âthe anvilâ then some specific anvil is implied, and it needs explaining. Third, if I say âlike hammer blows on an anvil,â it sounds awful. Your interpretation of the anvil - her hard-shell of unconfidence, a thing that bounces the words back, deflected by her stubbornness â these are the kinds of things I meant.
Now it reads: I wanted her to understand, but words only clanked like hammer blows.
OK, so what type of hammer? different hammers make different sounds on different surfaces so your simile is still shite. Fear not fair maiden I've come to save the day once again. Change hammer to blacksmith. I await thine handkerchief me lady.
"Like blacksmith blows" Is that what you mean? And you have the audacity to ask for my hankerchief, just because you are a blacksmith about to blow?
Put some of that sharp wit into your poems and they surely won't blow.
How come is any sharp wit, as you call it, not considered by you as being in poems that blow? Okay, we've got too many perverts around here to continue this thought without serious retribution, but you get my drift. You've said it before, so there must be some factor missing, in your opinion, from my poems that creeps into these trifling comments I make.
Yes, the surprise ending, the way you plucked those words out to make such a fine joke and your delivery of the joke were all worthy of a 10 if put in poetic form.
Yes, better. I think I gave this a 7 last time, so now I'll move it up a notch.
What a brat.
Nice to see you're using articles in your poems again. You've got everyone doing these kind of narratives now, even zodiac.
Itâs good to see my subjects falling into line. âQueen Dovinaâ â Yes, it has a soothing ring.
I think I'm going to be sick.
I really like this one. The third stanza is perfect, but I don't like the garage door.
The garage door slamming down is a bit harsh. Iâm afraid I slipped out of character for a moment and thought how menâs words sometimes slam down. No, Dovina, youâre a woman, speaking as a man, about a woman.
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