Poemranker [Poem: change (3rd draft)] [by Adriaan] Thu Nov 21 15:39:21 PST 2024

[9] Ranger @ 62.252.32.15 | 14-Feb-06/3:41 PM | Reply

Ah...it's tricky to know what to say about a haiku, particularly a short haiku (or whatever the technical name is for this structure, 3-5-2, sounds like a football formation) but this has so much scope for descriptive imagery. I want to say 'describe the hermit, describe where he's sitting, describe the leaves, describe how they're falling' etc. etc. etc. but I have this nagging feeling that it would actually detract from the purpose of this poem; it retains a clarity in its brevity that is actually quite refreshing. And I'm rambling. If only Kaolin had made a comment compressor to shift through the rubbish in my comments so as to find any kernels of usefulness that might remain.

[n/a] Adriaan @ 198.54.202.18 > Ranger | 15-Feb-06/1:06 AM | Reply

Thanks for your comment... it was meant to be 3-5-3 haiku. There is a debate in the haiku world about 5-7-5 (true to the sylabic count of Japanses haiku) vs. 3-5-3 (supposedly truer to the informational content of Japanese haiku). I thought I'd try the more restrictive form. Please comment on the change - I added an adjective :)

[9] Ranger @ 62.252.32.15 > Adriaan | 15-Feb-06/1:52 AM | Reply

I'm not sure why but having 'red leaves' makes it seem more Japanese, more authentic in a way. Trying to create a solid image in 11 syllables is a pretty daunting task and you pull it off really well; not only that but the title is simple and highly appropriate for the form. All round I can't find fault with this at all - it seems like the sort of poem that needs to be laboriously handwritten onto woven tapestry to have full effect...the poemranker font just doesn't quite do it!

Change (5-7-5) by Ranger
White-haired hermit sits
Same rocky seat, but new view
Watch red leaf ballet

I had to write that to compare the two and I was right; expanding your one would have been detrimental to the idea of change within it. To be honest, I think that yours is as good as it's possible to get with this format. Good work!

[n/a] Adriaan @ 198.54.202.18 > Ranger | 15-Feb-06/8:03 AM | Reply

Thanks for the comparison :) I am still leery of the word 'but' - it seems that I could use the sylabble to better effect. Any thoughts?

[9] Ranger @ 62.252.32.15 > Adriaan | 15-Feb-06/8:18 AM | Reply

Hermit sits
Still life, switching view
Red leaves fall

Or something like that?

[8] zodiac @ 209.193.9.50 > Adriaan | 15-Feb-06/8:23 AM | Reply

"3-5-3 (supposedly truer to the informational content of Japanese haiku)."

Is this true? I've always thought the informational content of Japanese was equivalent to, if not actually denser than, English. But then I think, well what about Konichiwa (4 syllables) and Hello (2 syllables)? But then I think, oh, right, I don't really care. Haiku's the rottest poetry form.

[9] ALChemy @ 24.74.100.11 > zodiac | 15-Feb-06/2:14 PM | Reply

If only the Chinese invented Haikus.

[9] ALChemy @ 24.74.100.11 | 15-Feb-06/6:17 AM | Reply

Good but you could have put more imagery in the second verse. Something like-
Hermit sits:
Child's name carved in bark
Red leaves fall.

Not that that's where you were going but you see what I mean?

[n/a] Adriaan @ 198.54.202.18 > ALChemy | 15-Feb-06/8:05 AM | Reply

I agree. I am not entirely happy with the second line, in particular the word 'but'.