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On Looking Back (Limerick) by Dovina I once had a friend in black,
Who felt a twinge in his back.
With blood on my knife,
He fled for his life,
So we never quite got in the sack.
Up the ladder:
A poem crafted from the depths of my heart
Down the ladder:
| Broken Memory |
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: 6.5
Posted: February 22, 2006 11:20 AM PST; Last modified: February 22, 2006 11:20 AM PSTWeighted score: 5.4034123 Overall Rank: 3106 Comments:
So, uh...
what are you doing later? ;]
It would work better, in my not-so-humble opinion if you had the metre right, as in---------
I once had a friend all in black, Who felt a sharp twinge in his back. With his blood on my knife, He fled for his life, So we never quite got in the sack.
Yes, I'd agree with Blue Magpie. This is exactly what a limerick should be like though!
The meter may be sweeter to the ear, but the meaning is lost. He was not "all" in black, just mostly. And to say that was "his" blood on my knife either tells the reader way more than I want to, or it is worng.
Yes, meter is good, but meaning is better.
"I once had a friend dressed in black"
That wasn't so painful now, was it :p
Yes, it was painful. You see, I only wanted iambic rhythm, nothing fancy. Let me count it for you:
I ONCE had a FRIEND in BLACK, Who FELT a TWINGE in his BACK. With BLOOD on my KNIFE, He FLED for his LIFE, So we NEVer quite GOT in the SACK.
Sorry.
Don't be. It's good to hear another view.
To be fair, in my eyes limericks = Edward Lear or -=Dark_Angel=-, who both use a slightly different structure. As such this one felt shorter than I was expecting - but that's just my way of reading it - hence the previous agreement.
Either way, this does precisely what a good limerick should.
This so-called limerick doesn't use any "limerick words" at all. :-(
-not funny-
'Once', 'Who' and 'He' count as limerick words, surely?
Racism 5 by Dovina
I once had a friend who was black. I stabbed him eight times in the back. He fell to the floor And I stabbed him some more Then pummelled his head with a jack.
Racism 1 by -=Dark_Angel=-,P.I.
I worshiped an angel in white. Her face was all blushing and light. So I changed my name to Dark Angel And ceased being Charles Bernard Rangel Hoping sheâd fall for my plight. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Charles_B._
I once met a gay crippled ponce.
He lives in my house for the nonce. He mutters and scowls As he shakes his white jowls But I've still not found out what he wants. 305 view(s)
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I think it was something like the O. J. verdict for women. It's getting to the point that it's not safe to be a cocky white guy anymore.
she sliced off his penis
fried it in grease
served it for breakfast
said, have a piece