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Just Desserts (for drnick) (Other) by ALChemy What lessons might be learned
by those who's folly
is to lament a life that lemons left
a sour taste to memories bereft
of smiles?
As love's deniles
through time
can leave one's mind
quite melancholy.
For the sun has yet to fall
before I've spied
another fool
Who's cried and cried
in blasphame,
"Oh lord why have you forsaken me?"
Who hasn't learned
that what is earned
might not be rewarded
but if forwarded
may not come on schedule.
For nature is far grander in scale
than one man's peace of mind
and try and try as he will,
he will not find
the golden chalice
or holy palace
that he believes
is his to recieve
but that the bread he's won has gone stale.
How time is wasted by those who feel
thier "just desserts" deserve to be served.
For in thier need
on sweets to feed
they've entirely missed the bountiful meal
and thus they will be starved.
Up the ladder:
Ali Abbas Welcome To England
Down the ladder:
Daddy's Little Girl
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: 6.375
Posted: February 21, 2006 2:52 PM PST; Last modified: February 21, 2006 2:52 PM PSTWeighted score: 5.3697944 Overall Rank: 3261 Comments:
[n/a]
ALChemy @ 24.74.100.11
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21-Feb-06/2:55 PM
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Reply
Yes I know it's spelled "Deserts" but that was supposed to be a play on words although a very naive one I will admit.
"who's" should be "whose".
"that" in the first sentence should at least be "where" or "in which" for the sentence to be grammatical. "deniles" is a cheesy play on words and doesn't add meaning. I'm having some trouble getting the second verse. What's earned might not be rewarded? I'd have expected what's paid to be rewarded; what's earned is its own reward. "thier" in last stanza = "their". Nice. There's a couple of nice meanings in this.
Yeah it's an old one I cut and pasted for drnick just to maybe give him some ideas about things he seems to be thinking about. Normally I wouldn't have posted it as I feel it's riddled with glitches. Eventually I steal the best lines of my old poems and put them in new one's so maybe some of this'll get recycled.
drnick seems to be getting quite a few tributes lately! And well deserved, I might add.
thanks, but certainly not more than anybody else on here.
There are some small errors in this one, but I like it all the same. I like the way you've worded what you're trying to get across...it's like you've taken the direct meaning and turned your head so it's just barely in your peripheral vision. It's also something I need to work on.
It's strange that I agree with what you're saying and everything, but yet find it difficult to be content. Then again, it wouldn't exactly be good to be completely content either as one would have no ambition to achieve anything greater than what they have. Perhaps the best idea is to continue to persue one's dreams while never losing appreciation for what one already has. Maybe I can rewrite my old one with that theme in mind. Thanks for putting this up here for me, that was very kind of you.
I think I got my idea from "It's a Wonderful LIfe" or was it "Bruce Almighty", anyway it's a good lesson. Keep the dreamlike images in your poem though, that was my favorite part.
Drnink. Don't you think you are being biased... after all, that's what you told me.... and that's why you never voted on mine. Hmmm....I'm offended, I really am. :-) Wish I could really be.
Ya, but this isn't "for" me in the sense that it was written for me, it's "for" me in the sense that I should read it and learn a thing or two.
A man is about as happy as he makes up his mind to beâAbe Lincoln
Hunger not for Justice. Yep, that about sums it up. I'd write a poem almost as good as this one if I had a few more words and another glass of wine.
As a read it could be a bit smoother. At the moment its like walking across a sheet of ice that's braeking up, the bits are all disconnected but you can see how they would fit together.
Huh. So . . . what's the bountiful meal? We know what you [in the poem] think is a waste of time--hankering after "just desserts"--things we feel are merited for our efforts?--but what is it that we should be craving instead? I don't get that answer from this--maybe I'm missing it. Here's where I get confused: in the second stanza, you say "Who hasn't learned/that what is earned/might not be rewarded/but if forwarded [?]/may not come on schedule"; then you say: For nature is far grander in scale/than one man's peace of mind [dunno that this is so--how do you measure peace of mind?]. . . he will not findthe golden chalice/or holy palace/that he believes/is his to recieve [receive]/but that the bread he's won has gone stale. So--what he's earned (i.e., worked to deserve?) might not be rewarded, but then he's so focused on the chalice/palace (through religion, I take it?) he might miss what he's won through his own efforts?
'splain? Maybe I should read the comments--you may have. The rhymes seems to lead you astray here and there. "to lament a life that lemons left/a sour taste to memories bereft/of smiles" is very awkward and hard to parse. Anyway, I think with some clarification, the ideas will come through better. 'scuse me for blah blah blahing all over your poeme.
You're always welcome to blah blah on my poems as much as you like. Your critiques are among my favorites.
"Who hasn't learned/that what is earned/might not be rewarded/but if forwarded [?]/may not come on schedule" is not a question but a description of the "fool" in stanza two. Unless your question is what do I mean by "forwarded". I just mean sent or given by that. As far as nature vs one man's peace of mind: If one man hates the sight of the moon should the moon be destroyed? "There are more things in heaven and earth, Horatio, than are dreamt of in your philosophy" Nature is far greater in scale than one man's needs. Since nature consists of the many, the one is always out numbered. The chalice/palace represents riches and divinity. "He's so focused on the chalice/palace -he might miss what he's won through his own efforts" is right on the mark. The needs of nature is the answer to why his needs aren't all fulfilled and so he should appreciate and seize the gifts and oppertunities that are given to him and not dwell too much on what he didn't get. 285 view(s)
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