INTRANSIT
on Arab Shepherd (a belief poem for Dovina) by zodiac
6 Apr 2005, 1:45 PM
Public or private, quite good.
I have never seen a pillar of salt
unless it was
contained.
nice
you have the unnerving habit of writing poems twice the length they need to be,
have you considered seeing the dali exhibit in philly?
to pimply
im not a fan of rhyming and lines 34 & 36 don't even rhyme..
nice sentiment but its really not that original, and sounds kind of pimply
I donât know why you add to a good title, the phrase, âa belief poem for Dovinaâ unless your firmly standing shepherd reminds you of firm belief, and I either do not, or do, or also write about belief. In any case, it flows well, but I think you sacrifice too much clarity for form. Introducing the old English ââtwasâ so late in the poem, for example, and not using old English again, shows a strong desire to maintain meter. And that whole sentence is cumbersome. Shouldnât âloveâ be âLove,â as a name?
Too etherial, I think, to make the jump from earthly sand to heavenly sand without some transition. Nice thought though.
The rebuttal has usually been, âThatâs why He made humans.â
that's not too bad a definition of prayer.
When I said, âNo to both you and zodiac,â I was saying that that way of looking at prayer has always led nowhere. I admittedly sidestepped the issues you raised, and addressed prayer from the position of people who pray, which I think carries some validity that you are sidestepping when you reduce prayer to illogical guff. (Sorry, you didnât say that, but I think itâs where youâre headed.) You do not have to answer the concerns I raised in the above comments any more than I have to answer yours.
I have defined closed mindedness in several ways and at several times during this discussion, and I think it's abundently clear what I mean by the term. If you wish to review each statement I have made for its grammatical clarity and correctness, please do so with someoine else. I am not interested in that at this point. It might have made a difference several days ago, but now everyone but you seems to know where I stand on that.
If you can prove that he cannot change the original description without telling the truth sometimes, then you are right. But don't give some trivial example. We are dealing with an intelligent deceiver.
Seldom does someone comment on one of my poems as you have done here. They usually raise other issues, often having nothing to do with the poem, with which I often argue. You have stated your opinion of the poem, and I accept it.
"but You are so far away" from what? What do you mean?
My life evaluated like this (according to the ratio of good Moments to total Moments that Iâve remembered) might be considered, in some dark hour, (perhaps an hour in which suicide seems appropriate) not just bunk, but as in this ordinary hour, for its (my lifeâs) just evaluation.
I don't follow the last sentence. Are you going to be evaluated for the 70% ratio, or for your failure to have more Moments in thirty-something years of existing?
It wasn't very interesting, except to you.
The Bible lies, not lays.
"here" should be "hear"
"Poseidon's wheeze" should be anything else.