Re: Jennifer Logan by rahson_s	Dovina 17.255.240.6	10-Jul-06/11:06 AM
You've got a touching story here and some good finished lines - "God listens to rumors, pillow talk and whispers" for example. As it stands, though, it's more of a story or prose poem than a free verse poem. That's ok and may suit your style better. To make it more poem-like, go for brevity and haunting truth couched in flowing words.
Re: of Arabia by ecargo	Dovina 17.255.240.6	10-Jul-06/10:56 AM
The opening scene is movie-like and vivid, a desert setting with golden hills of sand, and a daughter I'm ready to read more about (Part I). Then, the Lawrence-of-Arabia country becomes another place, which I would not have got from the poem alone. Still, there are doubtless daughters there who hold these thoughts. Nicely said.
Re: a comment on Orca by Dovina	Dovina 17.255.240.6	10-Jul-06/10:39 AM
Too naughty, I think. It needs softening, should be subtler.
Re: a comment on Orca by Dovina	Dovina 17.255.240.6	10-Jul-06/10:37 AM
I hadn't thought of you as one who would think of pun based on Fuca. I guess I see your point about '-y' words. Her shorter fin needs a comparative adjective to his tall, erect one - 'clitoric' maybe, but it's too naughty.
Re: a comment on of Arabia by ecargo	ecargo 167.219.88.140	10-Jul-06/9:37 AM
"Sheik" is the U.S. spelling (you Brits and all of those extra letters!). This is (in a literal sense, anyway) about/inspired by the movie _Lawrence of Arabia_, which has an overture in the middle that last too long (IMO), but I also meant that the fantasy has lasted too long (for the person in the poem, and maybe in a wider sense). I tried to put specific references to the movie (, the title, Sharif, filmy, "Watch:", etc.). Of course, I meant it to be about more than just the film. ;) Thanks for the comments, Ranger!
Re: Orca by Dovina	ecargo 167.219.88.140	10-Jul-06/9:28 AM
Nice details to this, and some good innuendo. (Erect and stiff is very naughty, Dovina. ;)). I've had an unfinished whale poem (not as fun as this) for years--maybe this'll inspire me to finish it. Funny how once in a while there's one that just leaves you stymied re: how to finish it!
Re: An Affair with Letters by MacFrantic	ecargo 167.219.88.140	10-Jul-06/9:13 AM
I'm not a big fan of abecedaria (unless it's an Edward Gorey abecedarium: http://www.wishville.co.uk/gorey/a.htm), but it's a fun exercise. Using "A" for _a_ and "the" for _t_ strikes me as cheating a little! ;) Considering you're writing to a formula, this is pretty unstilted and entertaining. Given Delilah, "The Lord," sinning, and zealots, the reference to Juliet (I'm not sure who rosalina is) seems out of place somehow. Anyway, pretty good.
Re: Devil's Deal by kaoriliveshere	ecargo 167.219.88.140	10-Jul-06/8:59 AM
I like this, especially the ending. Don't think it needs to rhyme, really, or even find a rhythm--I think the imagery is good and sustained and it works as free verse. I would suggest condensing a little here and there--all of the "I wills" for example (e.g., I will take my soul back/knock over your castle with one touch. I will leave you in a state of shock.)--it gets a little long/repetitive. Nice work.
Re: the only thing worse than living (revised, liberated) by Bill Z Bub	ecargo 167.219.88.140	10-Jul-06/8:54 AM
"(revised, liberated)"--hee. I like how you get started. The "get stoned" seems too pat/rhymey as is--I'm not a big fan of second person perspectives ("you"), but I think adding "you" (or better, IMO, "I," making it about YOU, the person in the poem), as in "you get stoned, find that warm spot . . .) would make it flow better. I like the off/near rhyming (e.g., profound/wound/sound) and even the lack of a structured rhyme scheme--keeps it loose. "of morning's traffic at your window" seems wordy--maybe just "of morning traffic"? Sort of brings it to a pause. Last verse kind of loses me--seems out of spirit/feeling with the rest of the poem (aggressive where the rest is sort of languid).
Re: Jackdaw by Zoe	Dovina 12.72.34.239	10-Jul-06/6:16 AM
I had to chuckle at these descriptions of the makup I use, though in recent years its the trend for older women to use much less than they used to. Still, his image of her with crevaces filled and eyelids shelled is quite nice. Put a space after the colon. And I can't quite picture "rose lips of milk wash."
Re: a comment on The Lonesome Loser by Dovina	Dovina 12.72.34.239	10-Jul-06/5:55 AM
Yes, you'd like him. Very congenial and different. You're not a loser though, and not lonesome either, I'd say.
Re: Sunny Day Gone (In Lovng Memory of My Mother) by fallen_rose	Zoe 84.13.3.103	10-Jul-06/4:19 AM
Quite nice... I'd liek top hear more about your mother. What kind of person was she? What was teh story of her life?
Re: Broken Promise by VintageLove08	Zoe 84.13.3.103	10-Jul-06/4:18 AM
Quite nice... sometimes the content is dictated too much by the rhyme for me. And sometimes this tells too much without showing and letting the reader work it out themselves.
Re: wet/dry dreams/eyes by FreeFormFixation	Zoe 84.13.3.103	10-Jul-06/4:16 AM
Interesting... a dense poem. It sounds to me like it wants to rhyme and have a clearer metre. Reminds me of Bagpipe music by Louis MacNeice: http://www.artofeurope.com/macneice/mac6.htm
Re: That Shade by Enkidu	Zoe 84.13.3.103	10-Jul-06/4:13 AM
Nice Oriental sounding poem.
Re: limited knowledge, limited people by kaoriliveshere	Ranger 86.140.66.240	10-Jul-06/12:43 AM
'They can me feel stupid'? Deep blue ocean is very very very cliched, see if you can be a bit more inventive there.
Re: The Lonesome Loser by Dovina	Ranger 86.140.66.240	10-Jul-06/12:39 AM
Did I not just say on your last post that you get better and better? Once more I've been proved right. This loser and I would have been excellent friends ;-) 'Skipping slick certitudes'
Re: An Affair with Letters by MacFrantic	Ranger 86.140.66.240	10-Jul-06/12:35 AM
Decent concept, I can't argue with it. Strong rhythm and rhyme, well constructed. But I'd agree with Dovina...putting 'God' and 'sin' together will always make it seem like you're just out to have a go at Christianity - which ultimately detracts focus from the poem. How about: Rosalina, surely Spinning from The ferris-wheel operator's Untimely sinning
Re: Joshua And Ruth by amanda_dcosta	Ranger 86.140.66.240	10-Jul-06/12:25 AM
Not having children, I struggle to relate to this. And the last time I really spent any time surrounded by kids was in a pre-school while trying to research speech patterns. It was their end-of-year party, the sun was blazing down and they had been fed copious amounts of sugar. I can categorically assure you here and now that whatever hell you might be living through, it is nothing more than a little light purgatory in comparison with that day. Perhaps if 'children' were replaced with 'glam rock' or 'spaghetti westerns' it would have a more universal appeal... Nicely written though.
Re: Through a childs eyes by little_angel_maria	Ranger 86.140.66.240	10-Jul-06/12:17 AM
The points already made are the fundamental improvements, but I'd also say a couple of other things. In a 'story poem' (like this one), a good way to make it less storylike and more poetic is to reduce the temporal references ('now', 'then', 'next' etc.) and just let the order in which you tell the story show the sequence of events. This will automatically trim the word limit, too. As Dovina says, don't just show us everything. Stanza 7 is unnecessary - let us work out that she's thinking of the past. Stick with the writing, it's good to see that you're enthusiastic about it and, of course, we'll always leave you a few hints here.