Re: don't touch me 2 by elderking	nypoet22 65.9.114.211	17-Sep-06/4:03 AM
deepest pockets sounds forced. i think willful hand needs to be plural. the rest works pretty well i think.
Re: Prayer by amanda_dcosta	nypoet22 65.9.114.211	17-Sep-06/3:43 AM
what did He say? what did He say? as the introduction to a series i could see this poem working, but i don't think it stands on its own.
Re: Week End Justification by half.italian	nypoet22 65.9.114.211	17-Sep-06/3:40 AM
i like the use of rubber as a verb, and the last two lines. knowing that hollow ears would only see words seems incomplete to me, like it wants a grounding image to connect the middle of the poem and its end. perhaps something about a skyscraper and airplanes?
Re: The Red Chain by MacFrantic	nypoet22 65.9.114.211	17-Sep-06/3:19 AM
clever language. this poem is tightly constructed, which makes me wonder more about the subject. i feel the first 8 lines are very strong, but something more solid is needed within the last 4, to complete the chain, as it were.
Re: The Red Chain by MacFrantic	half.italian 70.36.242.152	16-Sep-06/2:24 PM
Did I miss something in the first line? A missing word or I just don't understand enough to accept it. Second stanza; elegant, chilling.
Re: a comment on weather poem part 7: a short, sudden gust by nypoet22	nypoet22 65.9.114.211	16-Sep-06/1:39 PM
"A senryu is a three line Japanese poem structurally similar to haiku. It is unrhymed and the subject is based on human nature. It is usually satirical or ironic."
Re: weather poem part 7: a short, sudden gust by nypoet22	Dovina 12.72.42.214	16-Sep-06/11:28 AM
Don't you mean, haiku? funny
Re: Prayer by amanda_dcosta	Dovina 12.72.45.41	16-Sep-06/10:56 AM
I waited on the Lord, called on Him morning and night. Then, like the rush of stormy wind, He spoke with void-filling torrent, breaking the stillness of my heart. Sorry
Re: Week End Justification by half.italian	Dovina 12.72.45.41	16-Sep-06/10:50 AM
"Sordid pleasures fly tipsy on my tongue, but there is no one to hear. Only hollow ears would only see words." Yep, that pretty much says it.
Re: Upon meeting Mrs Gunn at the Butchers by Mr Pig	pete 195.92.168.168	16-Sep-06/9:43 AM
curate's egg
Re: Flea poem by Sing4Jesus!	pete 195.92.168.168	16-Sep-06/9:41 AM
not good;either you really are fulla shit or are trying to overcome a strict christian upbringing, in which case respect, but it has all been done already...mainly in school toilets
Re: a comment on When I look inside my heart by Engelbert Humpalot	pete 195.92.168.168	16-Sep-06/9:35 AM
not at all
Re: To be alive by nightowl	pete 195.92.168.168	16-Sep-06/9:34 AM
nice thought, shame about the words
Re: Jose Streets by SupremeDreamer	pete 195.92.168.168	16-Sep-06/9:30 AM
maybe needs reworking? definitely a story worth the telling, but didn't flow for me... started off fizzing
Re: don't touch me 2 by elderking	pete 195.92.168.168	16-Sep-06/9:23 AM
the last line needs working on i think ..it does lighten the intensity but is that intentional? does she want to touch him? or was he way out of order?
Re: Morning Glory by moyah8	pete 195.92.168.168	16-Sep-06/9:08 AM
mmhh...not good, but i like the idea of trailing of into a(prose)observation after being constrained by rhyme ... the lines could be condensed for better flow
Re: Today's Spam by nentwined	nypoet22 65.9.114.211	16-Sep-06/7:57 AM
i like this as a concept poem. feels like more is needed though.
Re: Nude Falling Down Staircase by zodiac	nypoet22 65.9.114.211	16-Sep-06/7:47 AM
this is blank verse, isn't it? the title reads like the title of a painting, which leaves me wondering whether there's a real painting behind the poem. on completion of my first read it made me chuckle. in my estimation the phrase "made all-one" in line 12 should be eliminated. the meaning is already implicit, and the line would have so much more "oomph" without. Pie!
Re: Howl For Clarity (for Jeff Buckley) by Bachus	Ranger 86.131.59.60	16-Sep-06/2:51 AM
Godly (man and poem)
Re: The nymph steals the farm-son by <~>	Ranger 86.131.59.60	16-Sep-06/2:47 AM
Sweet, nearly cute :-)