Re: me, Deep-as-a-puddle and the elusive connection by lunar	Jill Stockinger 127.0.0.1	27-Dec-20/4:46 PM
funny!
Re: ''*Night*'' by youngweirdo	Jill Stockinger 127.0.0.1	27-Dec-20/4:45 PM
I really like the last 2 lines: "And it's all in the night/ When the wind is cold." Could not really make sense out of: "A mist seeps down and sweeps people up"
Re: Surface Damage by un4208	Jill Stockinger 127.0.0.1	27-Dec-20/4:43 PM
swallow my pain I bet you ARE special! You get to ride the little yellow schoolbus...
Re: Caged World by deep-as-a-puddle	Jill Stockinger 0:0:0:0:0:0:0:1	27-Dec-20/4:37 PM
maimed- prophets-
Re: Our Sweet Lady Lispalot by lunar	Jill Stockinger 0:0:0:0:0:0:0:1	27-Dec-20/4:35 PM
Silly!
Re: Mississipi Murder by scitz	Jill Stockinger 0:0:0:0:0:0:0:1	27-Dec-20/4:33 PM
A child's scream OR children's screams (both plural)- "their own creed"- some strong emotion captured, but not all lines are equal to the task. "a dead brother will hold you tight"- worth reworking. "tomorrow's generation" - "aren't"- Some people on this web site object to being told corrections, saying these are rough drafts. Rough drafts are fine- the corrections offered can help with the next draft.
Re: Danuta by deep-as-a-puddle	Jill Stockinger 127.0.0.1	27-Dec-20/4:28 PM
world's ; to lose (not loose); sounds stiff: "so the blossoming of the flowers must soon begin"- spring's meadows --Liked the last 2 lines!
Re: Until by lunar	Jill Stockinger 127.0.0.1	27-Dec-20/4:23 PM
farest- you mean farthest? galexy- galaxy cliche- reword it?: like sand through your fingers
Re: **The Therapist** by scitz	Jill Stockinger 0:0:0:0:0:0:0:1	27-Dec-20/4:16 PM
liked the point of the poem.
Re: Skin, Bone, Flesh & Blood by scitz	Jill Stockinger 127.0.0.1	27-Dec-20/4:15 PM
You move from "I" to "you" - I recommend keeping the same point of view throughout the whole poem. some poor lines: 'Every barrier I had, you went right through it" _forcing lines that are not correct grammar just to get the rhyme is not useful: as in "you have forgot"-"will sin the stone". Hope this is useful.
Re: Movie Stars And White Trash Weddings by scitz	Jill Stockinger 127.0.0.1	27-Dec-20/4:05 PM
Too disjointed
Re: C a n u t e by Mr Pig	Jill Stockinger 127.0.0.1	27-Dec-20/4:04 PM
canescent moon? having grey or white down? Did not fit, to me. Loved the lines: "I will drown like the Egyptians/ For the weight of water/ Is lighter than this burden of lost love." Gorgeous! Not clear why sands would be called "blasphemous"- Think in to should be "into"- Sounds like she committed suicide? Not sure. Or was drowned accidentally? And you want her to come back- so you can drown together? I get the allusions to Passover- when the Israelites fled Egypt but then the Egyptians chasing them drowned-- and is the "8 nights" a reference to the eight nights of Chanukkah? Why mix two different holidays? Might recommend using 10 to reference the 10 plagues supposedly visited on the Egyptians. Perhaps!
Re: The Grave (thanks to z) by Mr Pig	Jill Stockinger 127.0.0.1	27-Dec-20/3:54 PM
poorly said: "fragrant colors are riot near" I most enjoyed the first 2 stanzas and the last one. The poem captures strong emotion.
Re: The Mcdonald Haikus by scitz	Jill Stockinger 127.0.0.1	27-Dec-20/3:48 PM
enjoyed the first 2 haiku; the last one not as good
Re: I did not have sexual relations with that woman by scitz	Jill Stockinger 127.0.0.1	27-Dec-20/3:47 PM
Like the double entendre of "come and go"
Re: Conditional Sex by scitz	Jill Stockinger 127.0.0.1	27-Dec-20/3:47 PM
Weak ending, some great characterization (enjoyed all the description of the palsied old lady- well done!)
Re: The Secrets Of Men by scitz	Jill Stockinger 127.0.0.1	27-Dec-20/3:44 PM
Used rhyme inconsistently, which weakens the poem. Some good lines!
Re: The Order Of Things by Mr Pig	Jill Stockinger 0:0:0:0:0:0:0:1	27-Dec-20/3:41 PM
Some good lines!
Re: Fall Of The Heartlands by Mr Pig	Jill Stockinger 0:0:0:0:0:0:0:1	27-Dec-20/3:39 PM
Some excellent lines. The point really gets across. Not so great, does not fit: "And to the east I stare", and you have several misplaced commas. Definitely worth revising.
Re: A Moment In Nowhere by Mr Pig	Jill Stockinger 0:0:0:0:0:0:0:1	27-Dec-20/3:35 PM
Some beautiful lines: "Somewhere in the midst of nowhere"; "blackened in wet mascara" (I suggest by black mascara); and my favorite: " "She presented conversation like a guilty bouquet." Some lines not nearly up to that level of excellence: "amongst the flowers" strikes a false note. Loved the ending! Humorous!