JoyLuck
on wishes by the_poetess
7 Mar 2005, 7:03 PM
i usually wait for the signal to clear on the porno channel so i could view some boobies, but hey...look at peacocks
god doesn't exist
but santa claus does
what does this prove?
i just wanna say...
CHINA!!!!!!
this was really good but just a tad too "sugary" - 8 -
-megan
i absolutely love this 100%! - 10 -
-megan
some deleted user
on a note to the politically inactive fundamentalist christians by i_am_the_popsicle
7 Mar 2005, 5:51 PM
I disagree that the foetus should have its day in court.
it is nice as a poem for your wife, but noone else, its rhymes are unimaginative and weak, and it doesnt have a lot of appeal -- sonnets are ahrd though so ill give you a 5 for effort -
It's interesting that suicide tends to be more prevalent during peace time. Having an enemy to fight against seems to give people a sense of purpose, and while they're busy gouging out his eyes, or stamping on his balls, Kurt Cobain is merely a whining gnat on the buttocks of their subconscious.
intersting - i dont really get it though -
megan
-=Dark_Angel=-, P.I.
replying on a note to the politically inactive fundamentalist christians by i_am_the_popsicle
7 Mar 2005, 5:00 PM
It's the same foetus, but it has been sucked into a morality vacuum, from which no foetal rights can escape. The only solution is to pull your trousers up as high as they will go, and pray for a miracle.
I like bits of this a lot. The last stanza really doesn't work for me. The underscores in the title bug me. Dunno. 6. could be something, though.
Don't take this the wrong way but you sound like you are form the UK not from IL. Sorry if I hurt your feelings but when you say bloody good job it reminds me of people from the UK. The person who wrote this poem Darkmoonlover knows what I mean.
Hmm. I gave this a 6 back in the day. Today I give it a 10. It made me laugh.
I really like the first two stanzas. s3 doesn't do it for me at all, and s4... hmm. s4 is decent. s3 really doesn't do it for me, though.
"rivers'" -> "river's"
Since you didn't capitalize the beginning of each line, it's a bit odd that you chose to after a semi-colon.
A moderate collection of images, with a point, but they don't gel for me. It's too haphazardly stacatto.
Hmm. Going back in--this could use some rhythm work. The deerflies are out of place. Though I still like most of it. That's certainly a bonus.
I liked some of the breathless feel to it, but came out more like a minor (yeah, there's no such thing--stil...) asthma attack than anything thoughtforcing.
While somewhat atypical in exactly how it feels forced, it doesn't work for me.
but was it really about not being able to write a poem?
-lia