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Heart Attack (Free verse) by ShaNoN+960317485
It puffs & gasps A hits or rattles of cage Try it does to haste Virtual silence it keeps Creak of bars on cage Derelict moments at hand Mechanical reviving it needs Else virtual silence it keeps Moment per moment pass Shock upon shock it endures Feel of violation haste Still virtual silence it keeps Shocks pass in itself Revived it twists then writhes Blood through it seeps Thence virtual silence it keeps Work it must else turn to dust Tears to eyes of relatives comes As the beeps of machines drones Still silence is what’s perceived

Up the ladder: Metametahaiku
Down the ladder: Buttocks.

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Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
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Arithmetic Mean: 6.7083335
Weighted score: 6.6969
Overall Rank: 522
Posted: November 4, 2003 9:18 PM PST; Last modified: November 4, 2003 9:18 PM PST
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Comments:
[n/a] ShaNoN+960317485 @ 199.40.206.3 | 4-Nov-03/9:20 PM | Reply
In memory of my weak heart:o)
[5] ==Doylum @ 80.225.174.107 | 5-Nov-03/4:30 AM | Reply
Huuwwwoooooh huuwwwwhoooooo
Your powers grow weak Yoda poet.
[8] sliver @ 65.178.200.179 | 5-Nov-03/7:47 PM | Reply
My ribs confine just such a weak vessle also.
Sucks
[7] deleted user @ 169.244.70.148 | 6-Nov-03/6:06 AM | Reply
have u used this site be4?
[n/a] ShaNoN+960317485 @ 199.40.206.3 > deleted user | 6-Nov-03/6:59 AM | Reply
nah, not as a user. But yea a month or so back i found myself in here... Y, did i do something wrong:o),
[9] deleted user @ 211.24.241.13 | 7-Nov-03/9:51 PM | Reply
Its Pin Drop Silence in there ....
[3] nentwined @ 64.60.192.130 | 7-Mar-05/4:28 PM | Reply
I liked some of the breathless feel to it, but came out more like a minor (yeah, there's no such thing--stil...) asthma attack than anything thoughtforcing.

While somewhat atypical in exactly how it feels forced, it doesn't work for me.
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