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Bugs (Free verse) by INTRANSIT I don't mind so much
when insects
explode
on my windshield.
So colorful
these small Picassos
Thin green wings splay
over a jealous yellow blur
shimmery silver plays
on a fluid blue signature.
The way humans die
is not so vivid.
Slowly browning
and wilting.
Inside,
a monochrome.
Up the ladder:
The Winturd Tale of Sir Donald Nudesby
Down the ladder:
PATIENCE
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: 7.0238094
Posted: June 9, 2004 9:28 AM PDT; Last modified: June 10, 2004 5:14 AM PDTWeighted score: 7.0237756 Overall Rank: 58 The following users have marked this poem on their favorites list:
Comments:
Many shades of red - so many.
Regardless - very well said.
Yeah, but we don't get shiney wings and neon colored entrails, not literally, at least.
And thanks!!
true
I love the monochromatic image. Of course, people who die by mortar shell explosions, traffic accidents and serial killers with knives die more colorfully. But the aged do tend to wilt in the way you describe.
Thank you.
Yes, humans are rather limited in the beauty of death. -10-
Gratuities.
Wow, that's so much better!
Your use of picasso instills in me the feeling of inadequacy. Take this blessing of ten and begone!!
Checks his pompadour.
Splendid
Gorgeous the way it is right now. Don't change a thing.
pretty good job there INTRANSIT.
Approving nod
Exquisite and bookmarked as a favourite 10
Slightly bent bow.
I love the way you've structured this. I'm so proud of you.
Thank you. And every one else here. All have contributed to my improvement in some way. No matter how samll.
You have a way of seeing the beauty in the not-so obvious. Well done. Strike!
I like the "something more" that I see in this poem. The contrast between the death of a bug "as just part of beautiful nature" and the death of our own species which is something much more ugly(to us). We are willing to squash a thousand bugs(or other organisms)for every person we help.
"I don't mind so much when insects explode"
Blast ! this is hot diggity dog a wonderful accomplishment, starlkly original.
I've come back after a long time away from the 'ranker and found this - this is great. It's a perfect couple of moments. Well done.
monochrome doesn't seem right. sepia? I like where it starts. The ending doesn't cinch it closed for me, though.
Very descriptive, i love it. That 0 that Rockmage gave you was obviously flawed. There are blunt and clear assholes on this thing. I didn't mean to curse but sometimes it's called for. I loved you poem alot...
i don't think you need "jealous". great otherwise.
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Kill the 'on unforgiving...' line. the line before it is so much more interesting and the audience already knows windshields are transparent. "Jealous" how is it jealous? I don't know what the next 2 lines stand for, but it would sound and look better without the 'a' before fluid. What do those lines mean? It isn't clear.
You are correct about the transparency thing, and a doll for taking the time. Nice to see you again Mrs. G.
Try
A Monochrome
for the last line and drop slowly.
do me a favor, just as an exercise, try writing your next few poems with the fewest words possible. Just as an exercise. Don't get me wrong, relative to most of the poetasters on this site, you're far from protracted, but because they are beyond any hope I'm giving my small bit of advice to thosse few who have sense enough to understand it.
Thank you for the compliment. How are you?
I've never been happier. My husband indulges my every whim, my son is growing bigger and more beautiful each day. I have absolutely nothing to complain about. How's things with you?