Re: Gadgets and Poems by Dovina	SupremeDreamer 64.9.233.156	5-Sep-08/6:17 PM
You're much better at executing prose peices... I think you should consider writing short stories, in a prosey fashion. I say nine; but since this far outweighs all of your previous posts in my opinion, I'll bless you with a ten.
Re: Suicide Note(Broken Down) by alvinb	SupremeDreamer 64.9.233.156	5-Sep-08/6:46 PM
I have a better exit stategy.
Re: Warlord by INTRANSIT	SupremeDreamer 64.9.233.156	5-Sep-08/6:50 PM
Pablo Escobar. I think the last line should be: "I'd have been better than Pablo." And may I suggest the title "Rebirth & Cocaine Jungles."?
Re: Time to leap by hobojo	SupremeDreamer 64.9.233.156	5-Sep-08/7:02 PM
I think you should cut out "for that place" and simply end S4 with "better to wait." Also, its "damn", not "dam".-- Instead of "do not look back", use the contraction -don't-. Also I think the line "so far have you come" would be better edited to "you've come so far"-- It's a tad cliche but it sounds better and sometimes these things can not be avoided. Some capitalization and punctuation wouldn't hurt either, but it's not absolutely necessary.
Re: Hum by Nepanthe	SupremeDreamer 64.9.233.156	5-Sep-08/7:10 PM
This should be termed either a "micro poem" or a "teaser poem". It seems as if you conjured up an awesome outline of a mighty centurions' head and never got around to giving him a body in which to conduct battle. I demand that this warrior be given flesh, blood, and a wicked keen blade!! I want to say eight, or even nine at this point;- but since you left your behemoth wanting, I am forced to give this a five.
Re: GOD'S MOST WONDERFUL CREATION by iowajerms	SupremeDreamer 64.9.233.156	5-Sep-08/7:23 PM
No. This is not your local Church choir, this is not Hallmarks Superlative Christians' Division. This is the Ranker:- A mighty kingdom where the most ruthless of warrior poets reside and conduct the ritual of courtly battle. Your "poem" is a disgrace to our proud temple of literature. So I say: "BEGONE FROM THIS MIGHTY KINGDOM, AND DO NOT DARE PRESENT YOUR LOWLY SPECTRE BEFORE OUR MIGHTY EYES EVER AGAIN!"
Re: WISHES SHE COULD FORGET and FLOWERS BY THE ROCK by iowajerms	SupremeDreamer 64.9.233.156	5-Sep-08/7:40 PM
The whole narrative first poem is unneccesary baggage. Dump it in the grave from whence it sprung. My advice for the second poem? Redo it and utter this phrase with devotion, in the manner of holy mantra: "Cleave away the rot, preserve the nutritive flesh of this piteous slab of crude meat; see to it that thy fellow warrior may feast and be satiated with potent substance."
Re: BEHIND HIS BOWED HEAD by iowajerms	SupremeDreamer 64.9.233.156	5-Sep-08/8:33 PM
Repetive displays of title are annoying. Unneccesary capitalization irritates my savage soul. I'm going to reshape this, since I feel that this peice possesses substance worthy of salvation: -Redemption on the mat.- I watch as he sits alone on the last chair, hands clasped behind his bowed head-- body drenched with sweat, hair disheveled, struggling painfully to catch his breath. He left the mat without his pride, without victory, the confidence he had stepping in manifestly absent. He started the match in the best shape of his life, brawnier now than ever. He started out strong, then at the end he just froze. Should have won, but he didn't, having not done his best. He allowed arrogance to hold sway, failing to utilize the depths of his skills and training. Wiping away the tears he sighs, sucking in the shame, knowing that he will never forget this failure. This lesson has prepared him; his opponent will know of it the next time he steps on the mat, and feel the pain of past mistakes. ------------------------------------------- Here's a six for conjuring up something worth writing.
Re: Gadgets and Poems by Dovina	Dovina 68.183.245.151	6-Sep-08/6:24 AM
Two male votes for the carpet’s rise as opener. Intriguing, vague and suggestive, yes. But to say this scrawl is better than "Rancor" - well, please reconsider.
Re: Suicide Note [Disposal Instructions Included] by SupremeDreamer	Dovina 68.183.245.151	6-Sep-08/6:31 AM
The whole thing is melodramatic, not just knives and razors, a teenie kinda pimple. I expect better from street folks. Not that the execution is bad, or the titanium quill rusty, just the nonsense of the whole idea.
Re: :: snowsounds by elementalidad	Dovina 68.183.245.151	6-Sep-08/6:34 AM
not bad, just that the harness of 575, like corsets, is too restricting and unnecessary even in haiku and church.
Re: :: chameleon by elementalidad	Dovina 68.183.245.151	6-Sep-08/6:36 AM
yep, another 575 haiku, straight laced and proper. It needs an "a" to begin Line 2.
Re: :: a stroll by elementalidad	Dovina 68.183.245.151	6-Sep-08/6:38 AM
prefer ice to frost drop "the" before grass lose the !
Re: :: chameleon by elementalidad	elementalidad 190.154.63.211	6-Sep-08/6:42 AM
thanks Supreme and Dovina for your comments across my first three (ever) haikus. Why do you recommend I start with an a on line 2 here? Just curious as I'm learning :)
Re: BEHIND HIS BOWED HEAD by iowajerms	Dovina 68.183.245.151	6-Sep-08/6:43 AM
SuperDreamer has done you well. Ideas are better than poetry, so you've got the good part done
Re: My Dad's Armchair. by Bethy	hobojo 24.143.147.163	6-Sep-08/4:07 PM
My grandmother sits in my dad's old chair... this is very good and reminds me we all share such similar stories in life
Re: Time to Leap* edited by hobojo	half.italian 98.151.18.37	7-Sep-08/12:24 AM
I personally like poems that give less details. Let the reader make his/her own conclusion. Give them a feeling, not how you are feeling. Lead them to the conclusion through visual messages.
Re: SWF seeks SWM by Bethy	half.italian 98.151.18.37	7-Sep-08/12:33 AM
Great poem! I love the rhythm. I remember the poem about your legs. One of my favorites! This captures the same feeling.
Re: 5 minute poem: section by Bill Z Bub	half.italian 98.151.18.37	7-Sep-08/12:44 AM
I like the second verse alot, but the first is worthless. Make a connection.
Re: Are your eyes by hobojo	half.italian 98.151.18.37	7-Sep-08/12:49 AM
As lyrics, 7. As stand-alone poem 5.