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WISHES SHE COULD FORGET and FLOWERS BY THE ROCK (Other) by iowajerms
WISHES SHE COULD FORGET She never wanted this to happen, Never wanted to be a part of it, It's a memory that will be stuck in her head, One that she wishes she could forget, It happened when she was a little girl, Riding in the passenger seat of the truck, Older brother behind the wheel, She didn't know he was drunk, She wanted him to buckle up, But he said "We'll be alright," Everything was blurry, Especially at night, She was now scared, He couldn't stay inside the lines, Every time she said something, He just said "We'll be fine," Then headlights were directly in front of them, He didn't know what to do, It came up so fast, The windshield the brother went through, She just flew into the seatbelt, She wanted to know if he was there, She never heard his voice, She was really scared, Even though she had blood down her face, There was no pain physically, The worst pain was when she looked over, And her brother's legs is all she could see, She won't say a word about that night, If someone asks her about it, The subject is changed, It's all because it's a memory she wishes she could forget. ------------------------------------------------------------ FLOWERS BY THE ROCK Laying flowers beside the rock, Looking down on the man, Tears coming to her eyes, Then wiping away with her hand, She's showing him pictures, Of the daughter and son she has, Knowing he's looking at them, And he is having a blast, Ever since that accident, She's missed him so much, This is the only way, That they can stay in touch, It's been ten years to that night, And she tells him about her life, Which she still wishes she could forget, What all happened that horrible night.

Up the ladder: Touching time
Down the ladder: Among The Stars

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Arithmetic Mean: 3.0
Weighted score: 4.905148
Overall Rank: 9784
Posted: August 6, 2008 1:32 AM PDT; Last modified: August 6, 2008 1:32 AM PDT
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Comments:
[n/a] Blindpoetry @ 70.189.1.177 | 7-Aug-08/3:45 PM | Reply
Why do you add two poems? Is it because you couldn't wait to hear how awful your stuff is?

"oh but, you know, they're both talking about the same thing. it's really-"
FUCK. OKAY.
Well just fix the last two rhymes in the first poem. Too much... force. Didn't flow well at all compared to the rest.

The second poem, I find not horrible.

How do you expect to rate this? I'm actually gonna rate this and you put me a predicament. thanks.
[3] SupremeDreamer @ 64.9.233.156 | 5-Sep-08/7:40 PM | Reply
The whole narrative first poem is unneccesary baggage.
Dump it in the grave from whence it sprung.

My advice for the second poem? Redo it and utter this phrase with devotion, in the manner of holy mantra:

"Cleave away the rot, preserve the nutritive flesh of this piteous slab of crude meat; see to it that thy fellow warrior may feast and be satiated with potent substance."
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