ALChemy
on Sky All Around Me (goddess edit) by ecargo
29 Jan 2006, 12:39 PM
What's the -- after "light" for?
Considerate of you to stop before Davey asked Katie for a BJ. I kinda like this though, really.
Ah yes, now I like this. If I'm going to nitpick, there are grammatical mistakes, other than that it's great! 'Prophet shoes', love it!
This works quite well although I'd suggest that if you're going to go for a rhyming scheme, give the poem a definite rhythm - it makes it easier to read aloud. Also, capitalise the start of every line; the beauty of acrostics is being able to instantly see what the vertical column says. Other than that, nicely done - 'truant solar rise' is a lovely line!
This one's tricky to comment on; a lot of people have looked at it according to the hits counter, but I can only assume that they, like I, don't really know what to make of it. It feels like it's a good poem, but it's more than my tiny brain can get round at the moment. If you gave me an explanation, maybe that would help.
Better than Paul McCartney's version.
Once during one of those erie calms before the storm I stood on my porch watching a large flock of them spiraling a tunel in the grey-blue sky. Like shadows, like dark angels forming a vortex as if it were a passage to some demonic yet magnificent otherworld.
Pretty cool--the imagery is well done overall. I was confused about "father" though--until the end I though one of her "gleaming sons" was talking to you (in the role of surrogate).
Nits: that first semi should be a colon ("One day a one man carnival and then:"). "Who's" should be "whose" (and "whose face as light glows" seems like a word is missing).
What I really liked: "gleaming sons"; "flipflop march"; the stream-of-consciousness description/memory of the father's shoes; "You could have said, âSon run, run to the whores, run to your hand, run
away from those sins of another man"; the "vapor apparition."
What didn't work as well for me (for whatever that's worth): "permanent Santa Clause" (just seems like there must be a better way to say this); "size 11 souls" (think this is a typo--soles--but if not, it's a little too precious). This line: "dream wife whoâs face . . . a screen of inner skullâ has too many unconnected images--I like the comparison of blood running like lava, but it's not connected to anything else in the poem, and the rush of images--stained glass, lava, starlet on a screen--aren't connected to each other and don't connect to anything else, so it just seems like you were searching for the right analogy but didn't find it (maybe that's deliberate). "Soul mate" is a cliche, and "screen of inner skull" and "frontal lobe" just seems too--I don't know--hard, maybe, or sterile or something.
Not sure I get "prophet" shoes. I like the fact that he blames the shoes, somehow, but I don't know if the buildup gets us there. I like the "stretch" intimation of growing, though.
Nits and the rest aside, I DO like this a lot. Very imaginative w/good lines and a good story with a tight focus.
Hee--I just read Ranger's comment, and isn't it funny how what doesn't work for one person completely works for another? Anyway--take this for what it's worth: one person's opinion. ;-D
Didn't see the original, but this one is great. :-)
It reads beautifully. A little long perhaps, but each individual line is worth it.
"Your hair sideways like conch-shell swirls" is a great line. Get at least two more lines like that and it's an automatic 10 from me.
Nicely creepy atmospherics.
Good attempt! Maybe you shouldn't give it away in the title though. I like "desperate quests." (Because of explorers? That's how I took it.)
"Abounding" should be banished from poetry, IMO. Maybe "adorning" or something instead (not that you're subject to my biases). "Notwithstanding" doesn't make sense to me here.
I like the idea of acrostics, but sometimes writing to predefined rules can really result in something stilted. Still, fun in a puzzle-like way.
Yes and please check out my poem "Penny Loafer Blues".
Your poems good but it feels like it needs more, like it's just getting started.
Sorry, but it sounds like a threesome, and an exceptionally sweet and sticky one at that.
Much like ecargo's tiger poem, your's starts something very interesting but it seems like it wnts to tell us more.
There is something horrific about childrens stories that you only discover as an adult. There's a little too much of a gap between images and the last stanza comes across as a shock gimmick.
"Loves to be fucked by angry young men
and wants to be loved by daddyâs best friend."-by me.
She'll grow out of you and leave you, I promise.
It's just the way it is.
Having seen hundreds of variations on this - all of which were veritable piles of cack - imagine my surprise when I opened one that didn't scream out 'I'm crap! Hate me!' 8 for writing the only form of this that won't get the 'Pimple' rating on the ranker.
Frozen nut-turds?
Absolutely beautiful, sad yet sweet.