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After Fighting (More Blood Edit) (Sonnet) by zodiac
There was once you held me in your headlock when we might have been Madonna & Son - a Descent. But I reversed: lord, I reversed, and had my knee down on your neck raining blow upon blow, until you lopped a fist into my chest that stilled me a little while I boot-tapped the street for purchase, our comrades finally dragging us, still spitting, animal in articulation; nothing resolved. But, oh, tonight I'm cruising westward in starlight a straight path I'm making through olive groves, a rangy dog, jag-hipped, belly-low. I’m jowls, gums, sharp canines, outthrust my shoulders, wringing my big fist by my side. The grove pours out in a wide whorl of stars, the long dogjaw of Wadi Araba, Canaan, and you suckerpunched me, lord. But I reversed, oh, how I! No fighter, I would have taken your throat in my teeth and drawn up with my back. I’m pissy-sweat-smelling, like a cave, the tinfoil taste of blood in my mouth. Tonight I'd be human but oh-sweet-lord how I didn't relent. Tonight I dig my toes in, pushing the earth with my strides. The air hums like applause, stars double and treble. Tonight I could be Jacob Israel stumbling west from a whole pit of conquered Dominations.

Up the ladder: Jailbird
Down the ladder: battle of the sexes

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Arithmetic Mean: 9.0
Weighted score: 6.0757656
Overall Rank: 1170
Posted: November 15, 2005 10:51 AM PST; Last modified: January 26, 2006 12:45 PM PST
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Comments:
[8] Dovina @ 69.175.32.104 | 15-Nov-05/11:16 AM | Reply
I believe now that you really love me. The way you would a fluffy little dog. It's touching, really. And this morning my hair looks that way. I'll release the knee from your neck now, knowing you'll not relent.
[n/a] zodiac @ 217.144.7.195 > Dovina | 15-Nov-05/11:19 AM | Reply
I don't think you're using relent the same way I do. Are you?
[8] Dovina @ 69.175.32.104 > zodiac | 15-Nov-05/11:24 AM | Reply
I see you wringing a big fist, holding back the tirade, not relenting on the fight.
[n/a] zodiac @ 217.144.7.195 > Dovina | 15-Nov-05/11:37 AM | Reply
I don't understand.
[8] Dovina @ 69.175.32.104 > zodiac | 15-Nov-05/11:40 AM | Reply
"Tonight I'd be human but, oh-sweet-lord, how I didn't relent."
[n/a] zodiac @ 217.144.7.195 > Dovina | 15-Nov-05/11:44 AM | Reply
Yeah, I didn't relent while I was fighting, I didn't stop fighting, or hold back any tirade.

Maybe "wringing" is the problem. I did wonder about that, but decided it was a good enough word for kind of fidgeting my fist around, but not from pain or weakness.
[10] ALChemy @ 24.74.101.159 | 15-Nov-05/12:52 PM | Reply
"What is thy name?"...

"but Israel shall be thy name. And he called his name Israel."
[n/a] zodiac @ 217.144.7.195 > ALChemy | 16-Nov-05/5:17 AM | Reply
Yes, that was about two edits from actually making into the poem.
[10] ALChemy @ 24.74.101.159 > zodiac | 16-Nov-05/7:31 AM | Reply
Grasshopper finally snatches a pebble from the master's hand.
[8] cyan9 @ 217.40.63.105 | 17-Nov-05/5:15 AM | Reply
The short lived but sweet taste of revenge, well put.
[n/a] <~> @ 69.182.119.197 | 27-Jan-06/12:14 AM | Reply
hmmm. it had a lot more power as a prose poem, zodiac. not that it's not good like this...just that there was an urgency in the paragraph that's missing here.
[10] ALChemy @ 24.74.100.11 | 27-Jan-06/9:29 AM | Reply
You chose to use "dog" for atheism, am I right?

Has he stopped fighting yet?

I'd change lopped to lobbed.

There's nothing wrong with being atheist
as long as you're not afraid of death.
[8] Ranger @ 62.252.32.15 | 28-Jan-06/5:10 AM | Reply
There's an anger that this doesn't quite release in its current form. I'd have liked to have seen it as prose, but I shall have to content myself with being sonneted about the face and neck. Vicious, nearly violent.
[8] SupremeDreamer @ 68.122.238.147 | 28-Jan-06/1:16 PM | Reply
Aggression on meth & lsd with a lil hippied theism.
Perhaps a little rough to follow, but I like it.

Have an eight.
[9] Niphredil @ 132.68.204.141 | 29-Jan-06/11:23 AM | Reply
Didn't see the original, but this one is great. :-)
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