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midnight feast (Free verse) by pollywolly creeping down the darkened road,
fading light
of the street lamps
behind us,
we giggle
eyes darting nervously
we run past
the silent wood
pausing for breath
as the old manse house
looms in the distance,
a menacing glow emanating
from a window announcing
the closeness
fear arising
hands clasping for one another
we tiptoe past
through the creaking gates
of the old cemetary
where the midnight feast can begin
Up the ladder:
elton is inside my left shoe
Down the ladder:
starry
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: 5.25
Posted: January 29, 2006 4:52 AM PST; Last modified: January 29, 2006 4:52 AM PSTWeighted score: 5.029801 Overall Rank: 7282 Comments:
[8]
ALChemy @ 24.74.100.11
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29-Jan-06/12:20 PM
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Reply
Much like ecargo's tiger poem, your's starts something very interesting but it seems like it wnts to tell us more.
[n/a]
pollywolly @ 82.41.136.155
> ALChemy
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30-Jan-06/8:00 AM
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Reply
yes i understand what you are saying. that was the idea to allow the reader to form their own ideas on what would happen next. i myself would say that this is a finished piece which could certainly stretch to a few more verses but i would be reluctant as i think it could spoil the effect by concluding it?
[8]
ALChemy @ 24.74.100.11
> pollywolly
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30-Jan-06/9:28 AM
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Reply
I know what you're getting at. It's a horror technique designed to make the audience keep thinking about the movie after they go home and maybe hopefully have nightmares about it. But there's not a whole lot of stuff for your audience to take home yet. You still need more story. Right now what we've got is just a scary scene from the story.
[n/a]
pollywolly @ 82.41.136.155
> ALChemy
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30-Jan-06/9:42 AM
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thats what i mean about not wanting to spoil the story if there is one lol cos what i was writing wasnt a horror or scary story but thats how it is being read. even on reading it myself now away from what i was remebering when i wrote it i can see it could be portrayed that way. so do you suggest if i was to expand it i should stray from fact and delve into fiction? tks for your comments very helpful tks
[8]
ALChemy @ 24.74.100.11
> pollywolly
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30-Jan-06/10:02 AM
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Reply
See now I'm thinking this poem is sexual but then again I always think like that:) I would tell the whole story the way you want to tell it. I think with a start like this, if you surprised us with a plot twist or mood shift like where it sounds like you're going then that would be awesome. Sometimes we start poems and just get tired or run out of ideas or lose interest in what we're writing so we just wrap it up and move on. I say hang on to those poems. usually the perfect finish will come to you eventually.
Nicely creepy atmospherics.
old manse> man's ?
What type of feasting? are you body snatchers, or young lover about to sexually feast? seems like a long road to go...no where. I am not even sure what scene I am looking at. It seems like the beginning to a story, rather than a poem. 166 view(s)
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