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Blackbird & the Everlasting Dream (Free verse) by Ranger Blackbird stands on autumn leaves
Which in the sweet air crack and freeze
With breeze they softly are stirred
Never a sound so sweet has he heard
This bird now knows just what it means
To find an everlasting world, or so it seems
Although his dreams have never let him fly
Nonetheless his life ticks by
In time
But blackbird soon must depart too
Sometime wander off into the blue
And through my gate this very night
Love finally will take its flight
Contrite, but not without a rueful smile
Then God and I shall talk awhile
Of trials which face this lonely bird
Much would God say, but not a word
However sweet
Has a lonesome soul ever heard
Up the ladder:
"Your shrimp cocktail", wide ass.
Down the ladder:
A Night Nurse
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: 7.181818
Posted: April 17, 2003 11:51 PM PDT; Last modified: April 17, 2003 11:51 PM PDTWeighted score: 6.090909 Overall Rank: 1153 Comments:
[8]
lunar @ 195.92.67.209
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18-Apr-03/7:11 AM
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Reply
OOOOH yay a poem by you that i like! well done! -8- (i am stingey - but its a very high 8!)
And YOU ARE jesus! he is!
Thanks Lunar, it's nice to see that there are some believers after all, hee hee!
Hey, an 8's a nice score-not stingy at all! See you soon (happy Easter) xxx
Yes I like the rhythm and the sudden stops in it
Quite creative
There's plenty of material here to take it to a sonnet.
although that might contradict what others think of it now. I wish the better poets would give you help. You are deserving.8
Cheers bud, I'll have a look and see what it's like in sonnet form.
Cackbird squats on autumn leaves
Beneath the groin where heirloom weaves And morsels plucked with rolled-up sleeves Forget their pants and borrow Steve's This bird now knows just what it means To write something that doesn't scan, or so it seems
Yes, I know.
Better than Paul McCartney's version.
Once during one of those erie calms before the storm I stood on my porch watching a large flock of them spiraling a tunel in the grey-blue sky. Like shadows, like dark angels forming a vortex as if it were a passage to some demonic yet magnificent otherworld.
well done
There is an internal and line ending rhyme that keeps the river flow of this going. Nice indeed. The only line that I stumbled on was this:
âWith breeze they softly are stirredâ With âfreezeâ right at the end going into âwith breezeâ something didnât catch. Over all though, enjoyed.
freeze-with breeze
heard-this bird seems-Although his dreams ...!! blue-and through flight-contrite...!!! awhile-of trials (I'd make them one or the other...follow through if you are going to do that, as they are rather abrupt in places, and are jarring, to me.) lines 3 and 4 stumble, try something like: With the breeze they softly stirred Never a sound so sweet was heard I read everlasting world as everlasting word...which would work too. Revise and I could see giving this a better score...it has potential, but just needs to pull together better. Work on the flow...make it go down more smoothly.
This one has a title to die for and the poems pretty good with a rhyme scheme that dont seem forced.
Corvids are my favourite group of birds - mistaken.
I too thought sonnet could be in the bag here too
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