Free verse № 47373
Blackbird & the Everlasting Dream
Blackbird stands on autumn leaves
Which in the sweet air crack and freeze
With breeze they softly are stirred
Never a sound so sweet has he heard
This bird now knows just what it means
To find an everlasting world, or so it seems
Although his dreams have never let him fly
Nonetheless his life ticks by
In time
But blackbird soon must depart too
Sometime wander off into the blue
And through my gate this very night
Love finally will take its flight
Contrite, but not without a rueful smile
Then God and I shall talk awhile
Of trials which face this lonely bird
Much would God say, but not a word
However sweet
Has a lonesome soul ever heard
14 comments
Hey, an 8's a nice score-not stingy at all!
See you soon (happy Easter)
xxx
Quite creative
although that might contradict what others think of it now. I wish the better poets would give you help. You are deserving.8
Beneath the groin where heirloom weaves
And morsels plucked with rolled-up sleeves
Forget their pants and borrow Steve's
This bird now knows just what it means
To write something that doesn't scan, or so it seems
Once during one of those erie calms before the storm I stood on my porch watching a large flock of them spiraling a tunel in the grey-blue sky. Like shadows, like dark angels forming a vortex as if it were a passage to some demonic yet magnificent otherworld.
âWith breeze they softly are stirredâ
With âfreezeâ right at the end going into âwith breezeâ something didnât catch. Over all though, enjoyed.
heard-this bird
seems-Although his dreams ...!!
blue-and through
flight-contrite...!!!
awhile-of trials
(I'd make them one or the other...follow through if you are going to do that, as they are rather abrupt in places, and are jarring, to me.)
lines 3 and 4 stumble,
try something like:
With the breeze they softly stirred
Never a sound so sweet was heard
I read everlasting world as everlasting word...which would work too.
Revise and I could see giving this a better score...it has potential, but just needs to pull together better. Work on the flow...make it go down more smoothly.
Corvids are my favourite group of birds - mistaken.
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