LilMsLadyPoet1 Mar 2006

freeze-with breeze
heard-this bird
seems-Although his dreams ...!!
blue-and through
flight-contrite...!!!
awhile-of trials
(I'd make them one or the other...follow through if you are going to do that, as they are rather abrupt in places, and are jarring, to me.)
lines 3 and 4 stumble,
try something like:
With the breeze they softly stirred
Never a sound so sweet was heard
I read everlasting world as everlasting word...which would work too.
Revise and I could see giving this a better score...it has potential, but just needs to pull together better. Work on the flow...make it go down more smoothly.