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Blackbird & the Everlasting Dream (Free verse) by Ranger

Blackbird stands on autumn leaves Which in the sweet air crack and freeze With breeze they softly are stirred Never a sound so sweet has he heard This bird now knows just what it means To find an everlasting world, or so it seems Although his dreams have never let him fly Nonetheless his life ticks by In time But blackbird soon must depart too Sometime wander off into the blue And through my gate this very night Love finally will take its flight Contrite, but not without a rueful smile Then God and I shall talk awhile Of trials which face this lonely bird Much would God say, but not a word However sweet Has a lonesome soul ever heard

LilMsLadyPoet 1-Mar-06/8:44 PM
freeze-with breeze
heard-this bird
seems-Although his dreams ...!!
blue-and through
flight-contrite...!!!
awhile-of trials
(I'd make them one or the other...follow through if you are going to do that, as they are rather abrupt in places, and are jarring, to me.)
lines 3 and 4 stumble,
try something like:
With the breeze they softly stirred
Never a sound so sweet was heard
I read everlasting world as everlasting word...which would work too.
Revise and I could see giving this a better score...it has potential, but just needs to pull together better. Work on the flow...make it go down more smoothly.





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