Ranger
on Sunday Legs by D. $ Fontera
29 Jan 2006, 4:02 AM
Very sexy, made me think of movie stars.
Not my idea of a theme. Doesn't appeal to me. Sorry.
'Like a disciplined fruit'...yes, imaginative certainly.
a) Blood is blue when starved of oxygen, and white blood cells are white (okay, you want to kill me now)
b) I think it would work more effectively in prose form
Personally I'd change the first line, give it a little more lyricism; this is a nice enough piece, but read out loud it is somewhat too bulky (for me, anyway). There's definitely potential here, I just feel it needs a couple of edits while being read aloud.
Yes, I'd agree with zodiac here. You work the rhyme very well and the rhythm is fairly constant - although 'finally' in line 3 is tricky; I'm torn between giving this a 7 and an 8, 8 for now I think as I'm in a good mood, but this is well worth an edit and I'll be sure to check it again.
Quite a nice piece. As for tortoiseshell laugh, thats a new one for me.... insight needed.
'Of shit and lies'...turns me off straight away...there's some good content here (without delving into a discussion of universal outlooks) but I'd like to see it edited first. 6 for now, although after a reworking it'll be worth more.
Isn't this supposed to be a 5-7-5 count... I see it as a 5-6-5 count. am I missing something?
About the haiku, one thing I have noticed, though, is that although in daily life we have nothing to do with God, he has found ways of getting attention...and Brandon you are one of his many media. Ignore Him more and He will find ways of making many think about Him.
Now for the next part..... I really wonder if it would be a good scene in heaven....having zodiac and dovina together with the rest of us poemrankers. Afterall, hell has had enough of them, from how I see it.
Hmm...this is the best of your recent ones, to be sure. I think it would work better if you used 'I' less frequently, and maybe put into prose form. It's a bit disjointed at the moment. Also, I do like the start, not being able to bring yourself to contemplate his death, you should try to emphasise that a bit more. Let me know if you edit this one, I'd like to see how it turns out.
I found it odd that the sparrows should chant above the priestess, is that done deliberately? A good poem, although it felt like there was another verse waiting to be written.
By the way, I wonder who this freak is - voting a -0- without commenting, on quite a lot of poems, one after another. I couldn't help but notice it, and was curious to know why. You have a rival.....pass him on to me.... he needs a dose of some 'happy pills'.
that said, your piece is pretty good, considering you want to describe relatives the way you did. My point however would be the title.... "an ode to my Idiotic Relatives". Might not make a difference, but that's what I felt as soon as I read it. Just a matter of opinion!
Yes, get rid of the commas - they detract from the reading of this.
I must say, you are so pessimistic, like you have no hope in life....uck! Forgive me, but somehow, I don't seem to like your taste. You might not see me reviewing much of your poems, though I'd like to see some life in them, so please don't be disappointed.
Change the first line to: "The children play in the field."
What color is the heart again? http://tuberose.com/Graphics/Bypass%20su
Word on the street is in a little known book called "Brando Unzipped" there is a picture of him smoking a big fat cigar, and by "cigar" I mean "black cock".
I'll vote an -8-. A nice piece to think about. the wild cat with the mastodons. Very imaginative. I've been trying to think of something different when I came across your poem. Pretty good.
Now for taking your advice,....lol... but I did.
Check out my poem 'such is a child's heart'. I'd value criticism more than a vote. Do me the honors and check it out. Thanks.