regarding some deleted poem...	Ranger 62.252.32.15	28-Jan-06/5:23 AM
Last two lines, brilliant...it feels as thought there's something to add to this poem - I just haven't got a clue as to what it might be.
regarding some deleted poem...	Ranger 62.252.32.15	28-Jan-06/5:29 AM
Okay, so this is now one of my favourite poems on this site...despite your distaste for the spiritual and the artistic (quite ironic, given in poetic form as it is). I'd write more here, but you'd get bored after...here.
Re: Zin/Enough/Things/Squeeze/Flow by gregsamsa222	Ranger 62.252.32.15	28-Jan-06/5:44 AM
I've got nothing to say that others haven't already said...this goes onto my favourites list...
Re: How small, this sleeping tiger by ecargo	Dovina 69.175.32.104	28-Jan-06/9:32 AM
Poetically speaking, this is good. It has form, unusual expression, metaphor (I think), and harks of Frost. For those reasons, I'd vote 10. But the reason I did not, and did on Elderking's recent one, is that the best poem, in my faulty opinion, is not the best written, it's the Trojan Horse that smuggles titillation into my sheltered life. Not sexual titillation necessarily, but connection with myself. Yours does that as I feel the tiger's caged existance, and I think you're hinting at more, but what?
Re: Hailing Miriam by Ranger	Dovina 69.175.32.104	28-Jan-06/9:44 AM
A flurry of great lines, and then the ending. Who is Lorelei? A mystical, colorful, and sad read.
Re: A Sheep’s Wish by Dovina	Ranger 62.252.32.15	28-Jan-06/12:15 PM
Yes, clever and entertaining, I like this one.
Re: Round 27 by Dovina	Ranger 62.252.32.15	28-Jan-06/12:19 PM
Not sure yet what to make of this one, I will have to ponder it further and return.
Re: Memoirs of a Greasyslut the rest of the story by Glasseyez	SupremeDreamer 68.122.238.147	28-Jan-06/12:45 PM
It's amusing... to a certain point. Most noticable is the lazy manner in which the humor was applied. But mispelling sodomy is a little step closer to actual genius. Then again, I could be sprayin' absolute bullshit. Seven.
Re: Prozac by Glasseyez	SupremeDreamer 68.122.238.147	28-Jan-06/1:11 PM
Cliched, not at all original, perfect example of emotional teenage dribble. Try to cut down on the use of "I", that is, if you wish to strengthen your writing a little. No vote.
Re: After Fighting (More Blood Edit) by zodiac	SupremeDreamer 68.122.238.147	28-Jan-06/1:16 PM
Aggression on meth & lsd with a lil hippied theism. Perhaps a little rough to follow, but I like it. Have an eight.
Re: How small, this sleeping tiger by ecargo	god'swife 71.103.98.44	28-Jan-06/1:45 PM
You've got some lovely images here, a very real environment. Somehow I have trouble imagining a cub frisking with hours, but i like batting at time. I can't understand why, but there it is. Since you change from the cub awake to asleep, maybe you should start a new stanza at 'With measured breath.' I don't understand 'tamed to hand.', or 'dogs like mastodons'(those would be some big-ass dogs). I admire the meter and the assonance of the last eight lines. They display your understanding of poetics without being over the top.
Re: A Loud Room by MacFrantic	god'swife 71.103.98.44	28-Jan-06/2:13 PM
I enjoyed reading this poem. It's got s good strong meter and structure. '...in an overwhelming.'I don't think this works well here. How do you feel about connecting it with the sound and silence of the next line? dissipate in an overwhelming (somethingsomething) of sound & silence. No that won't work because then you pull the rhythm away from 'and I dare not speak'. Maybe start a new stanza after overwhelming? 'To disturb with both' is a bit strained. Can you turn the sentence around? 'and I dare not disturb them both by speaking." You need an adj for dots. '...near is dots' ends to abrubtly for me. "near is ALL dots" "near is ONLY dots" I also believe the rhythm might inprove if you placed and infront of '...dancing hues:'. You've gone this far without telling me it's a TV., so you probably shouldn't do that at all. 'does beg' sounds too antiquated for this poem. Just remove the 'does' and voila!
Re: Hailing Miriam by Ranger	ecargo 172.147.107.138	28-Jan-06/2:31 PM
Lots to like, Ranger. This may be the best thing you've posted. "Reflections of the moon, its ferris spin" is a terrific line. Some of the rhymes are distracting--seem the sort of thing you'd do in a first draft and maybe kill later. Re: Lorelei, maybe go with Lilith or some other biblical character instead (to play off Mary) or someone in a similar role in French myth/lit (since it's Paris)? Great energy to this.
Re: Tonight (edit) by drnick	ecargo 172.147.107.138	28-Jan-06/2:51 PM
I think it needs more unity--your images just sort of come out of nowhere (e.g., tracks, the desert, etc.). Don't let the rhymes drive the poem. Also, sometimes a near rhyme will serve you better than a straight, simple rhyme (e.g., "gray I comprehend/One that makes your mind expend"--expend here needs something that it modifies, an object, for one thing, so why not use expands or something instead. Contrary to popular belief, there are no rhyme police.) The ending lines give you something to play with; get us there.
regarding some deleted poem...	ecargo 172.147.107.138	28-Jan-06/2:58 PM
How could anyone not love a Brando haiku that starts w/ "stellar." That's awesome. The Dickies had the best song ever about Mr. Brando, called "Stuck Inside a Condo with Marlon Brando." They rhymed "Brando" with condo, which was ace. For your "listening" pleasure: I’m stuck inside a condo with mr. marlon brando He tells me, get the butter, sounds just like my mother He wasn’t nice to connie His son, he shot somebody For messin’ with his daughter Just like the godfather I’m stuck inside a condo with mr. marlon brando He’s heavy and he’s hairy He’s really scaring me...marlon brando Well, I saw him in a movie He used to be so groovy Now he’s eating mashed potatoes He’s a human winnebago I’m stuck inside a condo with mr. marlon brando He’s a heavy dingleberry He’s really scary...marlon brando Domino’s delivery has brought me to him Cheese and pepperoni, watch him shovel it in He’s giving me a lecture on the wages of sin Mr. brando, please show me the door
Re: Tonight (edit) by drnick	drnick 24.176.22.254	28-Jan-06/7:12 PM
I was really high when I wrote this, which can be good and bad. I will keep in mind what you've said when I rework this. Thank you very much for the advice!
Re: Sky All Around Me (goddess edit) by ecargo	drnick 24.176.22.254	28-Jan-06/7:18 PM
I don't mean to get technical, but I'm not sure that light "curves." It can bend, but I'm afraid it is rectilinearly propagated and thus cannot curve. Other than that, I like this one!
Re: Racial Hate by Glasseyez	amanda_dcosta 203.145.159.44	29-Jan-06/12:36 AM
Your tempo is not consistent, nonetheless your message is conveyed loud and clear. Cheers to that.
Re: Arab Shepherd (a belief poem for Dovina) by zodiac	amanda_dcosta 203.145.159.44	29-Jan-06/12:51 AM
I like this but the better part is the title which is accurately and pin-pointedly attention seeking.You definitely got her to read your piece. Congrats.
Re: Sunday Legs by D. $ Fontera	amanda_dcosta 203.145.159.44	29-Jan-06/1:01 AM
Who are you writing about? must be one somebody to inspire you so. Good for you.