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Prozac (Free verse) by Glasseyez Numb to the world I shut it out
Nothing could save me but love
Yet I chase it away with doubt
I used to be deep but something happened
Lost myself in the thoughts of my life
I look at the world different now
I can see what is ahead but not what is before me
Worthless, pointless is what it seems
Feeling alive is like a dream.
Deep inside I scream but silence prevails
I canât say with words how I feel.
But the thoughts spin on in my hamster wheel.
Up the ladder:
Family
Down the ladder:
A beautiful moment
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: 6.8333335
Posted: January 26, 2006 1:23 PM PST; Last modified: January 26, 2006 1:23 PM PSTWeighted score: 5.493059 Overall Rank: 2775 Comments:
[7]
Dovina @ 69.175.32.104
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26-Jan-06/1:51 PM
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Reply
You have a worthy subject for a poem, and in some ways it's a good poem as written. I say this because it's poorly constructed and incompletely thought out, which reflects the key line, "I used to be deep but something happened."
Cliched, not at all original, perfect example of emotional teenage dribble. Try to cut down on the use of "I", that is, if you wish to strengthen your writing a little.
No vote.
I wrote this while working with CARE in Pakistan aiding the Earthquake victims, it all got rather depressing. When you see stuff like that it is best to feel numb cause it tears you up. Just got back during Christmas. What would you suggest to put in place instead of I?
Numb, shutting out world,
chasing it away with doubt. Used to be deep - but something happened. Lost myself in thoughts of life, looking at the world differently. Able to see what is ahead, not behind me. Seems pointless, being alive within a dream. Screaming deep inside, yet silence prevails - Words can't express what I feel, yet words are used to describe my emotion. That's an example of your poem using only one 'I'. Be creative, the English language is pretty flexible in usage - so long as you do so intelligently.
before me as in what is in front of me.
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