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A Loud Room (Free verse) by MacFrantic The tube bursts
sounds like voices and revelry
of the mundane.
My temples ache for
pleasant dissociation,
and for the cold glow.
I crumble;
dissipate in an overwhelming.
There is sound and there is silence,
and I dare not speak
to disturb them both.
My view from near is dots,
dancing hues:
a puzzle of light.
Television reflections bounce
and turn.
Laughter pulls my posture
forward to a hunch,
while my eyes drown
in the shadows of a midnight.
I'm sure to wake to silence,
And the screen does beg
to see my nod complete.
Up the ladder:
A Night out With Chaucer
Down the ladder:
Where the Hell Did I Put My Glasses?
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: 6.0
Posted: January 28, 2006 2:03 AM PST; Last modified: January 28, 2006 2:03 AM PSTWeighted score: 5.119203 Overall Rank: 5795 Comments:
Nothing to say that god'swife hasn't already, a well-written piece!
My fav:
"I crumble; dissipate in an overwhelming. There is sound and there is silence, and I dare not speak to disturb them both." Awesome, awesome, awesome!...BTW, is that correct spelling of dissipate...it looks wrong...?...LOL My least favorite:My view from near is dots Anyway, I liked this. 188 view(s)
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'...in an overwhelming.'I don't think this works well here. How do you feel about connecting it with the sound and silence of the next line?
dissipate in an overwhelming
(somethingsomething) of sound & silence.
No that won't work because then you pull the rhythm away from 'and I dare not speak'.
Maybe start a new stanza after overwhelming?
'To disturb with both' is a bit strained. Can you turn the sentence around?
'and I dare not disturb them both by speaking."
You need an adj for dots. '...near is dots' ends to abrubtly for me. "near is ALL dots" "near is ONLY dots" I also believe the rhythm might inprove if you placed and infront of '...dancing hues:'.
You've gone this far without telling me it's a TV., so you probably shouldn't do that at all.
'does beg' sounds too antiquated for this poem. Just remove the 'does' and voila!