Free verse № 137738
A Loud Room
The tube bursts
sounds like voices and revelry
of the mundane.
My temples ache for
pleasant dissociation,
and for the cold glow.
I crumble;
dissipate in an overwhelming.
There is sound and there is silence,
and I dare not speak
to disturb them both.
My view from near is dots,
dancing hues:
a puzzle of light.
Television reflections bounce
and turn.
Laughter pulls my posture
forward to a hunch,
while my eyes drown
in the shadows of a midnight.
I'm sure to wake to silence,
And the screen does beg
to see my nod complete.
3 comments
'...in an overwhelming.'I don't think this works well here. How do you feel about connecting it with the sound and silence of the next line?
dissipate in an overwhelming
(somethingsomething) of sound & silence.
No that won't work because then you pull the rhythm away from 'and I dare not speak'.
Maybe start a new stanza after overwhelming?
'To disturb with both' is a bit strained. Can you turn the sentence around?
'and I dare not disturb them both by speaking."
You need an adj for dots. '...near is dots' ends to abrubtly for me. "near is ALL dots" "near is ONLY dots" I also believe the rhythm might inprove if you placed and infront of '...dancing hues:'.
You've gone this far without telling me it's a TV., so you probably shouldn't do that at all.
'does beg' sounds too antiquated for this poem. Just remove the 'does' and voila!
"I crumble;
dissipate in an overwhelming.
There is sound and there is silence,
and I dare not speak
to disturb them both."
Awesome, awesome, awesome!...BTW, is that correct spelling of dissipate...it looks wrong...?...LOL
My least favorite:My view from near is dots
Anyway, I liked this.
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