Poemranker [Replying] Sat Nov 23 05:10:34 PST 2024

Replying to a comment on:

The tube bursts sounds like voices and revelry of the mundane. My temples ache for pleasant dissociation, and for the cold glow. I crumble; dissipate in an overwhelming. There is sound and there is silence, and I dare not speak to disturb them both. My view from near is dots, dancing hues: a puzzle of light. Television reflections bounce and turn. Laughter pulls my posture forward to a hunch, while my eyes drown in the shadows of a midnight. I'm sure to wake to silence, And the screen does beg to see my nod complete.

god'swife

28-Jan-06/2:13 PM

I enjoyed reading this poem. It's got s good strong meter and structure.

'...in an overwhelming.'I don't think this works well here. How do you feel about connecting it with the sound and silence of the next line?

dissipate in an overwhelming
(somethingsomething) of sound & silence.

No that won't work because then you pull the rhythm away from 'and I dare not speak'.
Maybe start a new stanza after overwhelming?

'To disturb with both' is a bit strained. Can you turn the sentence around?

'and I dare not disturb them both by speaking."

You need an adj for dots. '...near is dots' ends to abrubtly for me. "near is ALL dots" "near is ONLY dots" I also believe the rhythm might inprove if you placed and infront of '...dancing hues:'.

You've gone this far without telling me it's a TV., so you probably shouldn't do that at all.

'does beg' sounds too antiquated for this poem. Just remove the 'does' and voila!

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