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Moving from home (Free verse) by Caducus
One last walk around the garden This is my memory's Autumn I was a child of conifers Hiding there from games long gone. Dad's shed is derelict now fetal wood shavings rest from gliders planed we flew I take one and feel the grain. Nothing grows in the greenhouse Fossilized raspberries fur to grey A scent of them mixes with Dad His gloves point north from rigor mortis. Wasp hollowed coxes Lay half buried in the soil We used to rock the tree Catching white rain of silk every April I wore it watching stars from the highest bough. My time has come to leave home Someone else moves in tomorrow So today I jump against the hedgerows Just like I did as a child. I see my brothers in the paddling pool Where we yellowed lawns for days Until English rains came Sending hard expressions to soft towels. I will close the door quietly The same way I entered in a cot Thirty three years ago one January Bless this house with joy.

Up the ladder: Hamlet's Horniness
Down the ladder: Blood and roses.

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Arithmetic Mean: 5.3333335
Weighted score: 5.0397344
Overall Rank: 7098
Posted: January 30, 2006 3:41 AM PST; Last modified: January 30, 2006 3:41 AM PST
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Comments:
[9] Ranger @ 62.252.32.15 | 30-Jan-06/4:37 AM | Reply
Absolutely beautiful, sad yet sweet.
[7] LilMsLadyPoet @ 207.69.137.10 | 31-Jan-06/8:56 AM | Reply
'from rigor mortis'...seems cumbersome, and felt yucky...maybe change? ..."in stiff repose" ..something with three syllabuls would fit better than four. (entire line would have 8)
I didn't understand:"Wasp hollowed coxes" . Is it refering to the tree you go on to speak about? should it be "wasp-hollowed coxes?
also."The same way I entered in a cot", I would rework that.
[9] Ranger @ 62.252.32.15 > LilMsLadyPoet | 31-Jan-06/8:59 AM | Reply
'Wasp-hollowed coxes' works really well as a gentle metaphor for graveyards - I don't know if that was intentional or not, but it did it for me. I could go pimply here and suggest 'wasp-hallowed coxes'...maybe not.
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