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Malice In Wonderland (edited) (Free verse) by Caducus When Alice grew up
she fell through darkness
searching for Wonderland.
Trembling she saw her life mirrored
in a sea of scolding tea.
Vessels of her childhood fell
Landing as a wreck
Next to a dead white rabbit
by its broken clock-watch.
The Cheshire cat appeared
Grinning with decayed teeth
At children garrotted by ribbons
choking as they fell with Alice.
The Queen of hearts waited for her to land
stripped Alice naked,
watched her guilt rape seeded skin
Then ripped her heart out,
watching its last beat
fade with her blue eyes
as death cards chanted
'long live the Queen'.
Up the ladder:
Love Me Please
Down the ladder:
Untitled
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: 5.8333335
Posted: May 3, 2005 2:29 PM PDT; Last modified: January 27, 2006 7:46 AM PSTWeighted score: 5.2241178 Overall Rank: 4291 Comments:
It needs courage to take Carroll's story a step further. And here's the problem: you didn't. Your version turns a disturbing dream into a rather vulgar nightmare and in the process misses out on the fine-tuned philosophical jokes and nonsensicals of the original. This poem's like one of those MAD-parodies on movies but without the tong-in-cheekness. (And the MAD-parodies weren't subtile to begin with) So the poem has very little to do with Alice in Wonderland.
This could work, I think, if you strip (no, not that) Alice from her innocence and let all inhabitants of Wonderland stay the way as Carroll created them. Let HER confuse/terrorize THEM.
DAMN!
whatever i do i still think this need san edit
Yes, I think this line need san (needs an) edit:
"watched her guilt rape seeded skin"
Why man this movie was awesome, how do you compare Alice in Wonderland where she was in a fantastical world full of wonderous things, to a sick wet dream straight out of the mind of Ted Bundy? I will give you a six though because I like your udder morbidness...Its refreshing
I enjoyed the idea *7*
Another good idea from you, Master C - I do like DoubleU's suggestion, maybe make Alice be the cause of the other characters' fall from grace? Although having said that, the poem (as it is) gives a really nasty feeling of Alice's confusion, but I think that it's potential at the moment. With time it'll realise that potential. 7 for now, I will have another look at this later.
There is something horrific about childrens stories that you only discover as an adult. There's a little too much of a gap between images and the last stanza comes across as a shock gimmick.
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I am not the giver of the anal retentive 5.