May I rent one of the forgotten rooms in your delightful-sounding house? It must be a fine place to thrash through the sewers looking for all the lost keys I've swallowed.

She hasn't much to send him, or much to buy it with, and when the baby comes, she'll have less. Still, her poems he passes 'round, and keeps the whale's picture she found the money to sponser. "What a woman!" I hear him say.

I must be crazy to say this conveys anything, but except for her being "teen to b" it does.

This would be a 10 if it made less sense. Some good lines, but they're mixed with ramparts of regret and other concludable free form fixations.

I'd suggest cutting the first two verses--too much exposition. Or maybe just rework the lead in to make it more succinct.

What is with all these Humbert Humberts coming here?

Okay--think I get it. Do the swimmers think they're swimming someplace else; is that it? Lake of fire = stomach acids (as opposed to more welcoming ground)? Must be the month for blowjob poems, huh? ;-D

Strange, I could have sworn that I'd commented on this earlier...ahh, the curse of selective memory returns! I like this, although I got the impression (from the last stanza and a half) that there's a tragedy round the corner...which turned it from a pleasent tribute to enduring feelings to having a much darker feel at the end - are you intending on following this up with a sequel? The only line that lost me was "named Zeppelin, in his name;" - is there something going straight over my head here? Either way, very nicely done.

Nothing to say that god'swife hasn't already, a well-written piece!

This would be a ten if it made a little more sense.

At first I thought he was in a submarine. The whale and the name Zeppelin('cause they're shaped like a sub) is what led me to go there. But by the end I was pretty sure he was in prison. It really expresses well the loneliness of emprisonment from both points of view. Good job.

Something akin to Torch Song Trilogy me think. Nice meloncholy.

And, speaking for the forum, we do forgive - forgive "a myriad" when myriad would do, forgive that you mean "myriad words." But I lit this, the thought of it.

I would have ended it at "so live." or reworked the very last line. (I didn't like it at all.) I think you were very original with this! I love the first stanza, the second was a little weak, to me, though. 'Hear' used in both of the two stanzas? Thinking I would have altered that, as well.

No no no, below the gentry lies the Mayor.

Nice, 'follow' (line 10) seems a bit cumbersome, and 'Jell-O' really doesn't suit the mood of the piece, keep it ethereal. I'm also not sure that stanza 5 is necessary, other than that I like it!

Very readable...'a martyr with badly timed second thoughts' made me laugh out loud, for that this is worth a 9...very creative indeed!

Well LilMsLady, I saw your most recent post and am ambling through some of your others (in no great order). I quite like this one but I think that what people say about it being too obvious in places is pretty fair...you want to write something sexy but not seedy, that much is clear, and in places you get it spot on. Seriously though, take note of what people have said regarding (for instance) stanza 4 - after all, if you want to get have an affect on the reader you won't do it by telling them what should be the right way of achieving that. I'm not sure if I like the inconsistant rhyme scheme (I think I do, to be honest)...yes...I think it works quite well actually. But seriously, come back to this one - it's got something to it, for sure.

cute... 'a martyr'...excellent line!

Gorgeous