regarding some deleted poem...	21-Nov-05/10:05 AM
The last stanza's a double-negative. Did you mean that?
Re: Taste Ghazni by eliastemplar	21-Nov-05/10:07 AM
incense, burqas. Otherwise, good. How's the kebab these days?
Re: Prejudice and Racism by TLRufener	21-Nov-05/10:09 AM
How did you make it from "Skin doesn't matter to America's children" to "Prejudice and racism are here to stay"? Did it hurt?
Re: The Rose by sk8rs_rule_all	21-Nov-05/10:18 AM
You're young, so we'll go easy: There is an extremely famous movie called The Rose, featuring an extremely famous song called The Rose. It's regrettable, but we've decided it's best if no one ever names anything The Rose ever again. Thanks, The Human Race
regarding some deleted poem...	21-Nov-05/10:24 AM
sp=avarice. You have no reason to take my word for this, but the formulation "as [something in present tense], I [something in present tense]" is the clumsiest in the world. Besides, "as" is unnecessary; given two sentences in present tense in a row, we'll all assume they happen either simultaneously or one-immediately-after-the-other. Otherwise, not bad.
Re: Due Consideration by Dovina	22-Nov-05/12:53 AM
PS-Your gift: Q: If we could surgically remove a patient's negative emotions, and it worked better than meditation, should we do it? DALAI LAMA: Yes. Q: What if the patient didn't want us to surgically remove his negative emotions? DALAI LAMA: Use force, with good intentions. -from the Annual Conference of the Society for Neuroscience November 12, 2005
Re: Devictus by nocturnalism	22-Nov-05/3:30 AM
You let God beat you. Probably without any exertion on His part.
Re: One Second by TLRufener	22-Nov-05/3:31 AM
In one second my little brother can fit an entire Big Mac in his mouth.
Re: A Modern Woman by Dovina	24-Nov-05/12:53 AM
She doesn't hang out at the same places you do.
Re: Due Consideration by Dovina	25-Nov-05/1:02 AM
Here's a perfect example: REASON: Dovina might be slightly racist. DOVINA'S BELIEFS: Nooooooooooo!
Re: The Dreamhole by cyan9	25-Nov-05/1:22 AM
This would be good by Keane doing British pop doing Radiohead.
Re: Colorbars by wilco	25-Nov-05/1:26 AM
The best of your lyrics I've read. My only suggestions are drop 'serenade' and keep the last verse more naturalistic, like the others.
Re: The mountain has come to Mohammed by ALChemy	25-Nov-05/1:28 AM
I like the music references. What I don't like is using the worm so much. There's already a great poem with that image, you need to add something, a strong image of your own.
Re: O dear. by celticskatermatt1	25-Nov-05/1:31 AM
I predict you're not going to care what we say about this poem. Good for you. You'll show us.
Re: Derrick Holmes by rahson_s	25-Nov-05/1:36 AM
I like the style. There's a bunch of missing punctuation and randomly capitalized words, and 'addiction' is misspelled, but the half-rhymes are really cool. I kind of wish this was a little more meaningful than a book report.
Re: i dream in nine minute increments by ay deee	25-Nov-05/1:40 AM
"all kinds of guns waving in the air" and "explaining how my arm hurts" are really weak lines. The rest is pretty good.
Re: The Mask by TLRufener	27-Nov-05/6:06 AM
Yeah, you have to wonder if you're really going to be able to convey your feelings and experiences and make an accurate account of your life and times if you can only write 13-syllable sentences...
Re: listen by elderking	27-Nov-05/6:07 AM
The last line's good; the first 8 don't make words do anything they haven't done for six hundred years at least.
regarding some deleted poem...	27-Nov-05/6:11 AM
Stanzas 1, 3, and 5 are really great. Stanza 4 is passable. I would drop everything else and maybe add a new, underwrought closing stanza. And change the title, too. Not bad, not bad at all...
Re: Indian Song by ALChemy	28-Nov-05/4:10 AM
Clever. I'm not sure I got lines 4 and 5, but what I think I got I like.