Re: Silent Night by Dovina	29-Nov-05/3:00 AM
A ream look at a fast pull, and no slang. You could have done this a lot faster by simply adding the word "not" to the beginning of each line. And it would have been just as clever.
Re: Silent Night by Dovina	29-Nov-05/3:01 AM
AlChemy: Do you know these? http://www.poemranker.com/poem-details.jsp?id=91617 http://www.poemranker.com/poem-details.jsp?id=91677
Re: it's damp after closing by hendrimike	30-Nov-05/1:20 AM
I can't get past "we can all remember the past". There are about a million reasons why that's just not right. For example: 1. No, many people can't. 2. What you think you remember isn't really the past. The rest of this is good at what it's trying to do.
Re: Focus by MacFrantic	30-Nov-05/1:22 AM
Why all the linebreaks? "I couldn't believe my sight" isn't a real expression, or particularly grammatical. "spleen and spry" is good, but you know for all intents and purposes they're opposites, right?
Re: The copper man and Labrador by Caducus	30-Nov-05/1:24 AM
You're missing apostrophes throughout. "vagrant's" for one, and "let's". I'm stuck on him wearing Versace. Maybe make it clear he's wearing handmedowns? Clearer than "shadows", I mean. In all, one of your better.
Re: Games by BrandonW	30-Nov-05/1:27 AM
Vague. Get some details in there. Who, what, where and when, for starters. Unless you're Chris Isaak - in which case, not bad for you.
Re: The Bus by Dovina	1-Dec-05/9:06 AM
This is the exact plot of Douglas Adams' "The Restaurant at the End of the Universe" minus such wackiness as when Arthur tries to get a bag of Scrabble letters to randomly spell The Ultimate Question and they spell "What do you get when you multiply six by nine". In other words, not unclever, but cleverer the first time.
regarding some deleted poem...	1-Dec-05/9:12 AM
One of your best recently. Maybe he's bombing the place? It happens.
Re: I'm walking thorough void by Prince of Void	1-Dec-05/9:18 AM
Are you aware that for most people the verb "void" means "to piss or crap until empty", as in "I was so scared I voided my bladder"? As a poem, not as good as your best, "The regrets made me voids"
Re: Chills by BrandonW	1-Dec-05/9:24 AM
Nice. "I offer no accord" is a useless line and probably just for rhyme's sake. Consider changing it to bored, board, gored, gourd, hoard, poured, roared, scored, sword, abhorred, aboard, adored, afford, award, explored, ignored, implored, reward, toward, unexplored, Honda Accord - preferably not one of the obvious ones. Yes, I did almost let that slide because it's so wacky and stoned and reminds me of that scene in Boogie Nights where the Chinese boy's setting off fireworks and that guy in his briefs keeps waving that gun around. But you can do better.
Re: Thunder by dooley	1-Dec-05/9:38 AM
Hi, welcome to poemranker. Some of these lines are really rather nice. You might just want to keep a few things in mind while writing the next ones (and hopefully you'll stick around and post more): 1. Try to make more sentences or phrases run through the end of the line. That is, don't make it so if you did punctuate you'd have a comma or period at the end of every line. In a poem like this, you could even keep the same rhymes and not have to invert your grammar. 2. Punctuate. There's no reason not to. If you don't know where, exactly, try writing out the whole thing as a paragraph and seeing where it needs a comma or period. Or just ask us to help. 3. Try to avoid rhyming love and above. Click on this link for a couple of reasons why: http://www.poemranker.com/poem-details.jsp?id=97622 4. You might consider using some real details and images occasionally. Did you and your love go to Wal Mart? Why not include that? It'll be original AND true to your real-life love. And people will love it. 5. Vote and comment on other people's poems. It's the least you can do. And try not to get pissy if people call your work anything but perfect. We're all here to learn how to improve, right? Um, that's about it. Hope you stay. Enjoy your time here. zodiac
Re: Virtue and Sin by dooley	1-Dec-05/9:40 AM
Nice.
Re: The Long-Tailed Bird by Zoe	3-Dec-05/6:29 AM
Wow, nice writing. My only criticism is you seems like you're missing some explanation - what's up with the fire and what it has to do with the herons, for starters. Yeah, on a second or third read, I can kind of guess, but my honest opinion is it needs a line, a half-line of explanation. Maybe: 1.) More details of the fire. 2.) More connecting the fire to the flood. 3.) The timing - so the bird came before the fire? That's kind of jarring. 4.) Who's saying all of the lines in quotes. 5.) What exactly happened to the bird? 6.) Who are the boatmen, what's their deal? And a couple others. I'm not stupid or a bad reader. I'm just having a hard time piecing this together. I think it might help to consider your action/story/whatever like a movie or nature-hike: start by looking at one thing, pan to the next, pan to the next, pan to the next, and so on. That said, you sure can write. Golly.
Re: forever mourning by outofdarkness138	3-Dec-05/6:30 AM
With a thumping beat I can see it working. But the vocals would have to be almost inaudible.
Re: Calenders, Painters and the Boy who imagined Everything by avery	3-Dec-05/6:33 AM
I would suggest not ever, ever using archaic grammar. Especially "doth". Even Shakespeare wouldn't have written that - not when he could just as easily say the same thing with "golden rays reign".
Re: Light within darkness by Caducus	3-Dec-05/6:35 AM
Better than your usual.
Re: For my unborn by Caducus	3-Dec-05/6:41 AM
Doesn't really make sense to use birth as a weird verb when you're just repeating it in the next line. You need punctuation at the end of line2, I think. At any rate, it seems like you're trying to say "With every waking there are three of them" and not "It's a painful birth with every waking". Actually, neither way really works for me. I'm getting from your poems that you know alot of things God does that other people don't normally know. How is that? Is that right? I think no, not when it's just as easy to express some uncertainty about it, to emphasize (for example) that it's what you (or, better, a character) IMAGINES God doing. - sleep my children, not sleeps. "Dreaming to be born" is sloppy grammar. Yes it can mean "they dream in order to be born", but it doesn't mean "they dream of being born", so you're not getting your first meaning out of it, much less your subtext. What? Your children never have to dream? What? What the hell? Are they protozoans?
Re: Another Chapter by TLRufener	3-Dec-05/6:44 AM
Writing poems like this is sloppy work. You just make one-line sentences like a jerk. They don't even have to be related. Rick Flair's daughter is someone I've dated. Why not try running a thought through a line end? Because that would require you to have a thought.
Re: One by rahson_s	3-Dec-05/6:48 AM
"momentarily depression invaded the time" doesn't make sense. I like the rest of this, but I think you should figure out what you're trying to say before you say it to us. The more I reread, the more this seems all over the place. And contradictory. And of course races can dominate and be separate. Demographic studies show America is the most segregated it's been since the 50s. Just ask Dovina. She doesn't even personally know any black people.
Re: Until the Façade Comes Down by TLRufener	4-Dec-05/2:55 AM
Once again - At best, you're only able to express a nine-word thought here. That is, you can't even express as sophisticated a thought as any of the sentences in this comment do - which, incidentally, aren't very sophisticated. Don't you think that limits your poetry just a little? I do wish you'd occasionally acknowledge some of our comments. At least so we'll know you're choosing to disregard our criticisms and continue in your chosen style, rather than thinking - as we do - that you're just ignoring us or illiterate. If you respond, I promise to never post this comment again.