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The Long-Tailed Bird (Sestina) by Zoe
"Citizens, come running! We can put it out! Bring your pots brimming. Bring your jars of water. These swift flames singe woodwork, our farmers’ tillers." It began far away and surged to the sky, advanced against these walls, the houses of boatmen. Flooded homes yielded to the paths of water-birds. Days before on the lake’s shore, they found a bird. A passer-by clamoured: "Children, watch out!" A grey crane trapped in the nets of the boatmen, who fish the lake and praise the city waters. "Children, where can I hide you under this sky? And what of the land? The green maize and tiller?" The hour was noon, but the bird’s brow, ploughed or tillered with glass, mirrored the stars and evening song-birds. The weathered goddess keening to the sky, weeping goddess throws a spear, propels it out against tidal winds. At the brink of water, we captured them with longboats, those fierce boatmen. The messengers have returned with our proud boatmen. They left the ships – the rudderless tiller – left the galleons empty on the water. Ashore, the wry wingspan of Blue Mockingbird beats out each knife-stab and sword-stroke: life snuffed out. They died blind, their grey eyes attending white skies. We raised our muzzles to the wind, to the ashen sky: we brandished muzzles high, the scent of boatmen wet on our jaws and mauls. "Why did you come out? It’s too late for a God to take the tiller." Out came the dancers feathered by hummingbird; a drummer beat the ebb and flow of water. "Corpses in the rushes! Death in the water! Ripe as corn. Corpses in the reeds. Ripe as sky." Beneath pale throats of magnificent frigatebirds, we sliced off the arms of drummers and boatmen; rolling heads were sunken treasure among the tillers: in a raucous dance, our rhythms were stamped out. "We live on water and weeds", cry the boatmen. "Under burgeoning skies, we grope the tiller. The long-tailed bird – its curse – will never die out."

Down the ladder: Front Range Toll Road

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Arithmetic Mean: 7.0
Weighted score: 5.2384057
Overall Rank: 4052
Posted: December 1, 2005 11:34 AM PST; Last modified: December 1, 2005 11:34 AM PST
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Comments:
[9] zodiac @ 217.144.7.195 | 3-Dec-05/6:29 AM | Reply
Wow, nice writing. My only criticism is you seems like you're missing some explanation - what's up with the fire and what it has to do with the herons, for starters. Yeah, on a second or third read, I can kind of guess, but my honest opinion is it needs a line, a half-line of explanation. Maybe:

1.) More details of the fire.
2.) More connecting the fire to the flood.
3.) The timing - so the bird came before the fire? That's kind of jarring.
4.) Who's saying all of the lines in quotes.
5.) What exactly happened to the bird?
6.) Who are the boatmen, what's their deal?

And a couple others. I'm not stupid or a bad reader. I'm just having a hard time piecing this together. I think it might help to consider your action/story/whatever like a movie or nature-hike: start by looking at one thing, pan to the next, pan to the next, pan to the next, and so on.

That said, you sure can write. Golly.
[9] ALChemy @ 24.74.101.159 > zodiac | 3-Dec-05/7:06 AM | Reply
What is the point of a sestina anyway?
[9] zodiac @ 81.10.123.209 > ALChemy | 4-Dec-05/2:21 AM | Reply
To say you've done it. Ideally, for that poetic value of repetition we were talking about earlier.

You know these, right?
http://www.poemranker.com/poem-details.jsp?id=53586
http://www.poemranker.com/poem-details.jsp?id=97027
[9] ALChemy @ 24.74.101.159 > zodiac | 4-Dec-05/6:22 AM | Reply
But it's like repetition trying not to sound repetitious and always failing. It affects me no differently than if it didn't use the same 6 words at the end. Seems more like a parlor trick to me. At least your's was a unique version.
[n/a] Zoe @ 172.200.8.91 > zodiac | 5-Dec-05/8:02 AM | Reply
Thnaks for this. It's very useful. I tend to assume that people are going to follow along with me and forget about explanantions, but I think that you may be right. Thanks again! I'll think about what you said.
[9] ALChemy @ 24.74.101.159 | 3-Dec-05/6:43 AM | Reply
I think you need to use some conjunctions and articles. Right now the condensed sentences sound too modern for a story that seems like an old folktale.
Impressive nonetheless. -9-
[n/a] Zoe @ 172.200.8.91 > ALChemy | 5-Dec-05/8:03 AM | Reply
This is interesting. I guess I hadn't thought about making the senetences sound old in this way. I'll have a think.
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