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For my unborn (Free verse) by Caducus Dreams birth my children
Itâs a painful birth
With every waking,
There are three of them
Yet none of them
And four of them cry.
None of them are named
Yet God calls them Angels
Denied Earth from my love.
In heaven sleeps my children
Dreaming to be born
From the eighth day to their first.
One day I will hold them
The way I held their Mother
And they will feel loved
Never having to dream.
Up the ladder:
Suicide of the Ego
Down the ladder:
Hurt
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: 5.8333335
Posted: October 5, 2005 7:30 AM PDT; Last modified: December 2, 2005 1:38 AM PSTWeighted score: 5.2241178 Overall Rank: 4314 Comments:
[9]
Dovina @ 24.172.198.142
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6-Oct-05/4:37 PM
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Reply
I give birth almost every morning during the half-sleep after dream and before reason. Maybe this is not what you mean, doesn't matter.
In heaven SLEEP my children.
seems to personal to tarnish with criticism or vote.
Doesn't really make sense to use birth as a weird verb when you're just repeating it in the next line. You need punctuation at the end of line2, I think. At any rate, it seems like you're trying to say "With every waking there are three of them" and not "It's a painful birth with every waking". Actually, neither way really works for me.
I'm getting from your poems that you know alot of things God does that other people don't normally know. How is that? Is that right? I think no, not when it's just as easy to express some uncertainty about it, to emphasize (for example) that it's what you (or, better, a character) IMAGINES God doing. - sleep my children, not sleeps. "Dreaming to be born" is sloppy grammar. Yes it can mean "they dream in order to be born", but it doesn't mean "they dream of being born", so you're not getting your first meaning out of it, much less your subtext. What? Your children never have to dream? What? What the hell? Are they protozoans? 290 view(s)
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