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Thunder (Lyric) by dooley
Reflected by water and the distant midnight
Your eyes I see now in a different light
The thunder applauds us from clouds high above
And our hearts spurred by lightning again fall in love
In your eyes I see something magical and new
A happy and beautiful bubblegum you
Up to your neck in a hundred degrees
Scanning the sand, taking in the sea breeze
In your eyes I see something that scares me to death
Brings a warmth to my heart and a shake to my breath
For once we both know what it is we should say
But in that moment we steal away
Wrapped in nothing, it seems, but the warmth of the air
Our weaknesses, worries, and pale flesh lay bare
To the eyes of the gods who approve from their post
A love all can see means so much more than most
Together we pass the lightning lit hours
And gaze at the sky as it rains down the showers
That washed clean our sins forever ago
But still there is one thing I want you to know
This night means more now than ever before
As we move from water and onto the shore
On the beach we collapse and breathe deep the wind
As it dances and dries your beautiful skin
And once we are dry and our breath has returned
When the rain in the sky has finally turned
We will walk arm in arm, heart in heart, hand in hand
Back to our home at the edge of the land
And there we will prove that some poems are wrong
They are wordy and gusty and go on too long
For while virtue to some may be lower than sin
At the end of the storm, only virtue will win
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Arithmetic Mean: 6.375
Weighted score: 5.3697944
Overall Rank: 3264
Posted: November 30, 2005 9:36 PM PST; Last modified: November 30, 2005 9:36 PM PST
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Comments:
198 view(s)
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1. Try to make more sentences or phrases run through the end of the line. That is, don't make it so if you did punctuate you'd have a comma or period at the end of every line. In a poem like this, you could even keep the same rhymes and not have to invert your grammar.
2. Punctuate. There's no reason not to. If you don't know where, exactly, try writing out the whole thing as a paragraph and seeing where it needs a comma or period. Or just ask us to help.
3. Try to avoid rhyming love and above. Click on this link for a couple of reasons why: http://www.poemranker.com/poem-details.j
4. You might consider using some real details and images occasionally. Did you and your love go to Wal Mart? Why not include that? It'll be original AND true to your real-life love. And people will love it.
5. Vote and comment on other people's poems. It's the least you can do. And try not to get pissy if people call your work anything but perfect. We're all here to learn how to improve, right?
Um, that's about it. Hope you stay. Enjoy your time here.
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