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Thunder (Lyric) by dooley
Reflected by water and the distant midnight Your eyes I see now in a different light The thunder applauds us from clouds high above And our hearts spurred by lightning again fall in love In your eyes I see something magical and new A happy and beautiful bubblegum you Up to your neck in a hundred degrees Scanning the sand, taking in the sea breeze In your eyes I see something that scares me to death Brings a warmth to my heart and a shake to my breath For once we both know what it is we should say But in that moment we steal away Wrapped in nothing, it seems, but the warmth of the air Our weaknesses, worries, and pale flesh lay bare To the eyes of the gods who approve from their post A love all can see means so much more than most Together we pass the lightning lit hours And gaze at the sky as it rains down the showers That washed clean our sins forever ago But still there is one thing I want you to know This night means more now than ever before As we move from water and onto the shore On the beach we collapse and breathe deep the wind As it dances and dries your beautiful skin And once we are dry and our breath has returned When the rain in the sky has finally turned We will walk arm in arm, heart in heart, hand in hand Back to our home at the edge of the land And there we will prove that some poems are wrong They are wordy and gusty and go on too long For while virtue to some may be lower than sin At the end of the storm, only virtue will win

Up the ladder: Paid In Full
Down the ladder: BW

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Arithmetic Mean: 6.375
Weighted score: 5.3697944
Overall Rank: 3203
Posted: November 30, 2005 9:36 PM PST; Last modified: November 30, 2005 9:36 PM PST
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Comments:
[8] zodiac @ 217.144.7.195 | 1-Dec-05/9:38 AM | Reply
Hi, welcome to poemranker. Some of these lines are really rather nice. You might just want to keep a few things in mind while writing the next ones (and hopefully you'll stick around and post more):

1. Try to make more sentences or phrases run through the end of the line. That is, don't make it so if you did punctuate you'd have a comma or period at the end of every line. In a poem like this, you could even keep the same rhymes and not have to invert your grammar.

2. Punctuate. There's no reason not to. If you don't know where, exactly, try writing out the whole thing as a paragraph and seeing where it needs a comma or period. Or just ask us to help.

3. Try to avoid rhyming love and above. Click on this link for a couple of reasons why: http://www.poemranker.com/poem-details.jsp?id=97622

4. You might consider using some real details and images occasionally. Did you and your love go to Wal Mart? Why not include that? It'll be original AND true to your real-life love. And people will love it.

5. Vote and comment on other people's poems. It's the least you can do. And try not to get pissy if people call your work anything but perfect. We're all here to learn how to improve, right?

Um, that's about it. Hope you stay. Enjoy your time here.

zodiac
[10] ALChemy @ 24.74.101.159 > zodiac | 1-Dec-05/11:31 AM | Reply
It is one of my goals to some day rhyme above and love in a way that is not cliche at all.
[10] ALChemy @ 24.74.101.159 | 1-Dec-05/11:33 AM | Reply
I read the comment so I didn't need to read the poem. I'm so sleepy. Sorry. Here>-10-
[7] Dovina @ 69.175.32.104 | 1-Dec-05/2:29 PM | Reply
I agree with zodiac, and if you stay here very long you'll know that's rare.

You've don it again - put virtue lower than sin, at least to some. It seems a strange line at the end of a love poem.

Too many words in many of the lines for my taste. But overall it's good.
[n/a] BrandonW @ 68.71.178.129 | 1-Dec-05/3:00 PM | Reply
Can someone please explain to me why this is good?
[7] Dovina @ 69.175.32.104 > BrandonW | 1-Dec-05/4:27 PM | Reply
Because:

"The thunder applauds us"

"spurred by lightning our hearts . . . fall in love"

"scares me to death
Brings . . . a shake to my breath"

"And there we will prove that some poems are wrong
They are wordy and gusty and go on too long"
[n/a] -=Dark_Angel=-, P.I. @ 81.151.150.39 > BrandonW | 1-Dec-05/4:27 PM | Reply
It comes from the heart.
[8] zodiac @ 217.144.7.195 > BrandonW | 2-Dec-05/1:07 PM | Reply
No. It's not that good. But I'm not going to run him off the site for that.
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