Hi, welcome to poemranker. Some of these lines are really rather nice. You might just want to keep a few things in mind while writing the next ones (and hopefully you'll stick around and post more):
1. Try to make more sentences or phrases run through the end of the line. That is, don't make it so if you did punctuate you'd have a comma or period at the end of every line. In a poem like this, you could even keep the same rhymes and not have to invert your grammar.
2. Punctuate. There's no reason not to. If you don't know where, exactly, try writing out the whole thing as a paragraph and seeing where it needs a comma or period. Or just ask us to help.
3. Try to avoid rhyming love and above. Click on this link for a couple of reasons why:
http://www.poemranker.com/poem-details.jsp?id=97622
4. You might consider using some real details and images occasionally. Did you and your love go to Wal Mart? Why not include that? It'll be original AND true to your real-life love. And people will love it.
5. Vote and comment on other people's poems. It's the least you can do. And try not to get pissy if people call your work anything but perfect. We're all here to learn how to improve, right?
Um, that's about it. Hope you stay. Enjoy your time here.
zodiac