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Focus (Free verse) by MacFrantic
I fell into a stupor, An inebriated calm, While the world swirled thus around me And the strangers came thus roundly I couldn't then believe my sight, Sight being of another's eye Falling out of consciousness In joyous route and spleen and spry Steps eternal, midnight whisper, leading off to games undone Cursing all to curse the sky Fooling all to fool but one

Up the ladder: November 1963
Down the ladder: Goodbye

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Arithmetic Mean: 6.25
Weighted score: 5.1490035
Overall Rank: 5266
Posted: November 29, 2005 10:16 PM PST; Last modified: November 29, 2005 10:16 PM PST
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Comments:
[8] zodiac @ 212.118.19.91 | 30-Nov-05/1:22 AM | Reply
Why all the linebreaks? "I couldn't believe my sight" isn't a real expression, or particularly grammatical.

"spleen and spry" is good, but you know for all intents and purposes they're opposites, right?
[10] ALChemy @ 24.74.101.159 | 30-Nov-05/7:50 AM | Reply
The only thing I would change is that I would space the lines and the words even farther apart.
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