| Poem: Submit | Random | Best | Worst | Recent | Comments |
|
i dream in nine minute increments (Free verse) by ay deee night time
a fellow on a bicycle
an old one speed with the swept handlebars
rides across tracks as
these beat up mustangs full of no good
troublemakers speeding
mow him down, tires to rail
the cars stop
an undercover materializes
fires rapidly
all kinds of guns waving in the air
so close to my face
one man out of bullets
burns my arm with the barrel
the gang war
is now a friendly joke
a staged happening
congratulations, we did good
but i am not amused
i push him to the gravel
i punch the shit out of him
explaining how my arm hurts
i look right into his blue eyes
it is light again
Up the ladder:
Bad animal limericks
Down the ladder:
Love Beget Lust
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: 5.7777777
Posted: November 22, 2005 8:29 AM PST; Last modified: November 22, 2005 8:29 AM PSTWeighted score: 5.388889 Overall Rank: 3209 Comments:
[6]
cyan9 @ 217.40.63.105
|
22-Nov-05/8:37 AM
|
Reply
Imaginative title, piece kind of reminds me of Sin City
A 36-minute dream. Were you watching the clock?
No, he kept count by the song the little girls sang in the background.
"One, two, Freddy's coming for you. Three, four, better lock the door..."
first of all, no, my snooze button adds nine minutes to the alarm, so every time i push the snooze, i go back to sleep for nine minutes. as a result, my dream is fragmented...
and second, what is that song supposed to mean?
Nightmare On Elm Street.
Cheap joke. I wasn't trying to say anything bad about your poem. The dream logic in it is pretty good. Is there a specific reason for not capitalizing?
oh, ok.
i don't like the way capitalizing looks most of the time. maybe it's word equality. monospace fonts are my favorite; monoheight letters look like they fit here...
"all kinds of guns waving in the air" and "explaining how my arm hurts" are really weak lines. The rest is pretty good.
The third line had me confused, until I finally realized on the fourth read that you meant "an old one-speed".
Violent dreams. Guns never appear in my dreams. Instead, people point their fingers and say BANG. Then the bad thing falls over.
It's funny, lately my dreams have been lasting a lifetime. Long story. Now is not the time.
I especially liked the first stanza.
Uh huh..... Wish I never had that kind of a dream. And I have never had that kind either..... none that i can think of, with guns and bullets burning in my arm. Gives me the creeps. Where I come from, we don't see guns around here and people don't sleep with guns for defence either.
Nicely written, though. 191 view(s)
|
||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
