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Derrick Holmes (Free verse) by rahson_s
Our only objective was to rid The bodies of three women, Two infants and one adult male, Murdered by one handgun, all Receiving one bullet to the head, They were already drugged, all we had to do Was pull the trigger, all the victims Were Hispanic, only money Would motivate us to do such a thing, I have a cocaine addition worth more Than human life, my partner the same, He looked out while I did the shooting, already high On that stuff it wasn't as hard as I thought, we Moved the bodies to the car outside seating two Italian men, money exchanged hands and we were On our way to the spot, once there our biggest fear Was awaiting, Freeze, don't move, that was the last time I was on the streets of Brooklyn, I was Derrick Holmes www.utopiawright.com

Up the ladder: The Pseudo-Portraitist
Down the ladder: you may find yourself here

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Arithmetic Mean: 5.5
Weighted score: 5.0596013
Overall Rank: 6702
Posted: November 22, 2005 2:08 PM PST; Last modified: November 22, 2005 2:08 PM PST
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Comments:
[8] cyan9 @ 217.40.63.105 | 23-Nov-05/1:50 AM | Reply
Sin City. Captivates the feel of gangster talk from films, I thought there were places where the piece could benefit from more elaberate use of language e.g

we Moved the bodies to the car
outside seating two Italian
>>>
We packed the stiffs in the motor
Outside seating two butch mafiosos

-pardon the spelling-
[8] zodiac @ 81.10.122.113 | 25-Nov-05/1:36 AM | Reply
I like the style. There's a bunch of missing punctuation and randomly capitalized words, and 'addiction' is misspelled, but the half-rhymes are really cool. I kind of wish this was a little more meaningful than a book report.
[n/a] rahson_s @ 65.217.153.100 > zodiac | 6-Dec-05/10:47 AM | Reply
I AGREE.

www.utopiawright.com
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