Re: sweet kissing me there by misslexy	10-Jun-04/12:37 PM
eewww.
Re: The daisy-chain girl by richa	10-Jun-04/12:23 PM
I'm comfuzzled. The 'us' isn't clear, who are 'us'? You're structure is only the best. If I take each line individually they're lovely but what does it all mean?
Re: a comment on Isn't it a wonder by caitydee	10-Jun-04/12:19 PM
It's easy. Just click on 0, then click on submit, and voila!
Re: a comment on Bugs by INTRANSIT	10-Jun-04/12:10 PM
Sounds like you're really making strides. Little by little is how all the best have described it. I've never been happier. My husband indulges my every whim, my son is growing bigger and more beautiful each day. I have absolutely nothing to complain about. How's things with you?
Re: Bugs by INTRANSIT	10-Jun-04/12:00 PM
Wow, that's so much better!
Re: driven by ThePariahDog	9-Jun-04/5:24 PM
That's it, I'm gonna kill somebody. What are you trying, in your own ridiculously long-winded and formless way, to say here? This is clearly about absolutely nothing! What, you went for a drive on a really hot day? Touch and go objectives???? Devil driven influences inable an inner calmness?? How? Surrounding air permissisibly drags you? What, do you live at 40 ATMS? This is hopeless.
Re: a comment on Bugs by INTRANSIT	9-Jun-04/5:15 PM
Forget 'canvas' all together. 'These small Picasso's' emcompasses all those painterly analogies. Hold back a little. That's a first rate poetic sentence, let it stand on it's own. Sometimes the peaches are so ripe and perfect, they're only ruined by the vanilla ice cream. that line's the best you can hope for, the best any of us can hope for, let the audience remain there a moment and contemplate all the possible images that conjures up. Try A Monochrome for the last line and drop slowly. do me a favor, just as an exercise, try writing your next few poems with the fewest words possible. Just as an exercise. Don't get me wrong, relative to most of the poetasters on this site, you're far from protracted, but because they are beyond any hope I'm giving my small bit of advice to thosse few who have sense enough to understand it.
Re: my unicorn by francis nor capule	9-Jun-04/12:35 PM
Good gravy.
Re: Bugs by INTRANSIT	9-Jun-04/12:32 PM
Humans die all sorts of ways, so be more specific. Name someone who died that way. Also aren't you describing what happens after death? Kill the 'on unforgiving...' line. the line before it is so much more interesting and the audience already knows windshields are transparent. "Jealous" how is it jealous? I don't know what the next 2 lines stand for, but it would sound and look better without the 'a' before fluid. What do those lines mean? It isn't clear.
Re: Litany by zodiac	9-Jun-04/11:49 AM
Kill the first line in all 3 stanzas. Also do you have to mention the bed? Can't it just be 'lain next to you'? oh forget it. Are you pulling my leg here?
Re: Wedding Day by Caducus	9-Jun-04/11:45 AM
You know there are some fantastic images here, but then you drown them in muck. That first stanza is romantic and quite musical intil thee last line. reminds me of Garcia Lorca and than at the end it's like eating the last peanut in the Cracker Jacks and it tastes all rotten and soggy. Do you take writing poetry seriously, or are here because your bored? Her vanilla gown was lifted. I like that line. it has a nice assonance.
Re: Black Rose by arduinn	4-Jun-04/3:44 PM
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH AAAAHHH! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH. Ok I feel better now.
Re: love by francis nor capule	4-Jun-04/3:30 PM
Are you the Down's syndrome love child of Rod McKuen, or some kind of retarded stalker? This poem is so bad it's frightening.
Re: asleep in the night by saylor3000	4-Jun-04/3:27 PM
I'd eat a double bacon cheeseburger with a large order of curly fries and a large vanilla shake.
Re: a comment on Heaven Out Here by wilco	3-Jun-04/7:02 PM
So far you've failed. Just read the third book of the Pentateuch.
Re: a comment on Jimmy and Chichi Choo (Sub-Dylan Bullshit Blues) by the codeine kid	2-Jun-04/4:59 PM
Beautiful latina woman, middle-aged and sure of herself, walks up brick path of a modest home, steps up to front door, straightens her hair, smiles, and knocks. Knock, Knock... you open the door. Hi, saw the truck unloading your furniture and just wanted to say welcome to the dysfunction. Just so you know, there are no Kings here, just lots of frustrated Genii, doing the old omnipotence cha-cha. Try to be objective. Sometimes,(most times)the best of those who have been wished into this God-forsaken cornfield are the biggest fucking jerks. So it goes. Be objective. This is not a cattle call for the Pulitzer. It’s mostly a neighborhood of the frustrated, looking for a better way of expressing the modern western pressures. Yes , perhaps you are a threat. You’re young, smart, probably carry some fairly good DNA in those nuts of yours. So take it easy. Don’t make the Alphas gang up on you. Or perhaps you’re all wrong , you don’t understand a thing, and just need to take the poems for their intrinsic worth. Anyway, I brought you a casserole. Hope you like it. Just return the dish when you get a chance. Oh, and by the way, this poem sucks.
Re: Tomorrow's Dance by RevHydra	2-Jun-04/1:13 PM
What the fu...?
Re: Piccadilly to Baker Street by Caducus	2-Jun-04/1:12 PM
ugh.
Re: Amateur night - God, a one man show by fair12	2-Jun-04/1:08 PM
The last line's a mammoth disappointment. Some very good lines and structure. In S2, I can't tell if you or the stones are whipping through a bleak blue sky, needs clearing up.
Re: a comment on The Angel and The Ass by pain killer	2-Jun-04/1:04 PM
It doesn't work because nothing interesting happens. Your other poems are interesting.