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Wedding Day (Free verse) by Caducus
At the fallen portico
An arrogant wind rocked the last beam.
I walked upon fragrant bones
Where hopeless rose bouquets
Touched desperate clambered palms
Of the garish unnoticed.
Grandfather wound his watch
Coughing blood in to ironed silk
Ignoring and noticing changes
Exuding wry misery
Glimpsing at the only glance of happiness
Till it fell,
like doomed seams of icing.
Her vanilla gown was lifted
Like spirits sighting
Our hesitant kiss on still lips.
Gray expressions sauntered
Through glimmering colour
And clinking claps,
As Grandfather clamoured
To the vol au vents.
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
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Arithmetic Mean: 6.851852
Weighted score: 6.847273
Overall Rank: 323
Posted: June 8, 2004 2:54 PM PDT; Last modified: June 8, 2004 2:54 PM PDT
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Comments:
387 view(s)
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then- with wry misery (he's already exuding)
clambered? I think you mean -clammy?
doomed (seams)?
Um that's enough for now. I see serious problems but I also saw the whole picture, I do like it.
Particularly, arrogant wind and gray expressions sauntering. Work this one, it's worth it.