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Wedding Day

Member since 2002 · Posted 8 Jun 2004 · 6 comments

At the fallen portico An arrogant wind rocked the last beam. I walked upon fragrant bones Where hopeless rose bouquets Touched desperate clambered palms Of the garish unnoticed. Grandfather wound his watch Coughing blood in to ironed silk Ignoring and noticing changes Exuding wry misery Glimpsing at the only glance of happiness Till it fell, like doomed seams of icing. Her vanilla gown was lifted Like spirits sighting Our hesitant kiss on still lips. Gray expressions sauntered Through glimmering colour And clinking claps, As Grandfather clamoured To the vol au vents.

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27 votes so far. Yours would make 28.27 votes so far

6 comments

[8] INTRANSIT 8-Jun-04/6:50 PM Reply

first read: swap -noticing and ignoring-
then- with wry misery (he's already exuding)
clambered? I think you mean -clammy?
doomed (seams)?

Um that's enough for now. I see serious problems but I also saw the whole picture, I do like it.
Particularly, arrogant wind and gray expressions sauntering. Work this one, it's worth it.

[3] god'swife 9-Jun-04/11:45 AM Reply

You know there are some fantastic images here, but then you drown them in muck.

That first stanza is romantic and quite musical intil thee last line. reminds me of Garcia Lorca and than at the end it's like eating the last peanut in the Cracker Jacks and it tastes all rotten and soggy. Do you take writing poetry seriously, or are here because your bored?

Her vanilla gown was lifted. I like that line. it has a nice assonance.

[n/a] Caducus › god'swife 9-Jun-04/1:51 PM Reply

I'm never bored just mystified at why you think i'm bored.

I know this is better than 3 you voted and feel chuffed on this occasion I got more than 'ugh'

[8] richa 9-Jun-04/3:18 PM Reply

It is not enough to call the wind arrogant, its actions should portray such, then there would be no need for the word.

Same goes for 'fragrant' (what smell is fragrant), 'desperate' 'hopeless' and 'exuding wry misery'.

I am growing fond of the polite 'english' voice in poetry. Fallen portico/ ironed silk give the poem a charm certainly.

[8] arduinn 12-Jun-04/8:51 AM Reply

Brought up nice images when I read this but I have to agree with the things Intransit pointed out...

[1] Engelbert Humpalot 4-Feb-21/8:53 AM Reply

Dreary