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Twilight Affair (Free verse) by thepinkbunnyofdoom
I have known happiness without measure I have walked along the bottom of despair And I have you to thank for both There is a strange appeal to this opera of obscenities Oddly intimate at times no matter how distant I am Yet at others miles away while I'm sitting front row Nothing makes me smile like the taste of sunshine Pouring over me from memories we share Those days spent basking in the joy of being together Nothing makes me cry like the smell of the night sky Beckoning me to a bed we no longer share Cold and empty, lacking the warmth of your smile I've danced with devils upon a shallow grave Only to help saints dig back up the dying I've burned every bridge I've come across in one day Only to spend the next few weeks rebuilding everything I won't deny my confusion because there is no explanation You can't deny that even you don't understand because you don't Cigarette burns line my insides as well as my skin I needed something to remind me that pain is temporay I needed to see that I'd heal and know I'd be alright I'm not better, I'm not alright, but I'm getting by Trying not to lose sight of twilight Dawn or Dusk, it doesn't matter, either way I know I'm not okay right now, but I'll get better One way or another, with or without you And I have you to thank for that.

Up the ladder: Road to Recovery
Down the ladder: Thoughts for Later (v3)

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Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
 GraphVotes
10  .. 85
.. 10
.. 40
.. 00
.. 00
.. 20
.. 00
.. 00
.. 01
.. 11
.. 21

Arithmetic Mean: 7.1153846
Weighted score: 7.101227
Overall Rank: 121
Posted: March 30, 2004 12:26 PM PST; Last modified: March 30, 2004 12:26 PM PST
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Comments:
[8] deleted user @ 68.169.177.107 | 30-Mar-04/12:32 PM | Reply
Some good sentiment, especially, "I've burned every bridge . . .only to spend the next few weeks rebuilding everything."
[n/a] SupremeDreamer @ 66.53.165.186 | 30-Mar-04/1:37 PM | Reply
I think this piece would benefit from a good edit.. it looks to me that you've spilled emotion rather than crafted a decent piece. Dull use of language also.. you don't want to have a poem come off as over-emotional. But it does offer something to work with.

No vote for now.
[n/a] thepinkbunnyofdoom @ 216.196.210.234 > SupremeDreamer | 30-Mar-04/11:21 PM | Reply
I know, I know but considering that I've been writing... Well its an improvement. To say the least. I'll edit it when I return for good. This is just a visit, But fear not, I shall soon be returning from the rabbit hole(These woods are getting a little lonely if you know what I mean), Plus I can't seem to get more than eight chapters into a story before finding something wrong with the key point I'm trying to get across in the overview. I'm sure thats affected by the constant partying I've been doing. I miss you too Smart Ass.

<3 Jason
[n/a] SupremeDreamer @ 204.31.175.88 > thepinkbunnyofdoom | 31-Mar-04/12:10 PM | Reply
Yes, isolation can cause a poets pen to mold and turn his beard crusty, and his verse limp. Thats why a vacation from writing can relieve creative impotence.. heh. [Poeta! A new over-the-counter writing enhancer promises hard long verse long after the ink in your pen has dried up!]

A novel is a lot harder to accomplish, since it requires extensive writing, a solid build-up, plot, etc.. Its a huge step from prose,poetry, or short-stories. Not to belittle you, but I think you decided to leap across a canyon that your furry feet don't have the muscle needed to make it across. (Atleast not with the first or second jump.)

But eventually you'll pull through.. novel creation takes time, so benefit from a break. :)

I'll be looking forward to your return you little fuzzy beast.
[8] Shuushin @ 207.5.211.177 | 31-Mar-04/6:12 PM | Reply
"opera of obscenities" - nice.

Yes, an edit once the emotion has leveled out a bit would be good for it; a nice distillation.

[8] richa @ 81.178.243.245 | 1-Apr-04/8:48 AM | Reply
yes, the bridge line is the best, opera of obscenities is kind of disturbing.

You could always try writing a poeme that did not involve smoking a cigarette.
[n/a] Luzr @ 66.213.67.10 > richa | 1-Apr-04/9:28 AM | Reply
Actually I recently quit smoking. Cigarette Burns was more for the affect here than anything else.
[9] Tara57 @ 147.9.40.112 | 6-Apr-04/10:37 PM | Reply
Been there!! I think this could be a great poem if you revise it a bit...make the ideas crisper and the images jump out more...but you nailed the emotion felt it coming out of the page...9
[10] tre @ 147.9.40.169 | 13-Apr-04/6:26 PM | Reply
good job expressing the emotions, this is amazing
[1] Stephen Robins @ 213.146.148.199 | 31-Mar-05/3:13 AM | Reply
Do you possess an innie or an outie? (penis that is)
[n/a] thepinkbunnyofdoom @ 4.225.145.53 > Stephen Robins | 31-Mar-05/2:48 PM | Reply
Possess I a penis. Possess you a innie perhaps? Or mayhap an outie, yes an outie, that you cleverly made an innie. I'm sure you know Jesu doesn't love you right. Outies can only go innie when your a priest, no exceptions, and never innie to yourself. Find yourself a nice little altar boy, and make sure you let the kid have a reach around, Jesu won't forgive you later if you don't.
[10] Dark Angle @ 70.181.103.149 | 3-Dec-07/12:21 AM | Reply
This is good. Maybe shouldn't be #1. But it deserves a 10.
[n/a] ARTIE @ 66.69.245.233 | 31-Mar-11/7:56 PM | Reply
A little "wordy" and somewhat essential and intrinsic. However, it works in a diminished cerebral way. 8-9 score
[0] wDaphnew @ 85.210.14.200 | 26-Sep-11/11:13 AM | Reply
Very good - come and join my new website
http://newpoetryshared.proboards.com
[n/a] daniella @ 98.203.56.174 | 9-Dec-11/11:32 AM | Reply
barfly poetry
[0] wDaphnew @ 212.139.224.56 | 8-Jan-12/8:20 AM | Reply
horse piss.
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