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Amateur night - God, a one man show (Free verse) by fair12
This dark road is filled with more bumps Than the napropatholigist can smooth With his two stout hands, The stones are dark, And wind worn, And zing past us, Whipping through a bleak Blue sky as a punishment Of living, and we wait And keep waiting, For some great pardon That never seems to come It is the turning of dirt In a fallow field, Waiting on seeds That never bloom, And still we break our backs, Lead the ox, toil A days worth of sweat, Throats dry, And thirsting And though the trough Is empty, we somehow Return again, hoping That one day The earth will forgive, Man will cease Their progressive descent And that God Just might have A mammoth sense of humor

Up the ladder: Family

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Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
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Arithmetic Mean: 6.8333335
Weighted score: 5.493059
Overall Rank: 2786
Posted: June 2, 2004 12:23 PM PDT; Last modified: June 2, 2004 12:26 PM PDT
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Comments:
[8] god'swife @ 209.178.142.212 | 2-Jun-04/1:08 PM | Reply
The last line's a mammoth disappointment. Some very good lines and structure. In S2, I can't tell if you or the stones are whipping through a bleak blue sky, needs clearing up.
[n/a] fair12 @ 66.84.225.2 > god'swife | 2-Jun-04/1:48 PM | Reply
any suggestions for the last line? Your husband and Murphy are a cosmic pain in the ass this week.....
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