Re: I Dream..... by frdup717	29-Jul-04/6:19 PM
"and of your beauty and grace." meter needs tweekin, maybe... : "your beauty and your grace" Good for what it is.
Re: The bad news is his bones are like rubber by Venus	29-Jul-04/5:53 PM
Maybe too cryptic. I can see how it might cathartic somehow, but - "what's in it for me?" "audible hint of condemnation"... what is that, exactly? Interesting even after my gripes, has a nice cadence - I just want it to mean something without too much trouble (some, is fine).
Re: Gap-Fold vs. Sour Milk by Venus	29-Jul-04/3:45 PM
Nicely done!
Re: Untitled. by SupremeDreamer	28-Jul-04/6:40 AM
probably the most aptly "untitled" titled poem I've seen. Maybe it re-states itself once or twice too much - but somehow, that seems appropriate.
Re: The Annual January Thaw by Dovina	27-Jul-04/1:12 PM
I must be one of those embittered stoics. I remember hiking, not in January (May I think), when there was no snow at the bottom of the mountain so I wore hi-tops on a whim - mistake since I was soon tramping through snow... crappy snow. Good poem.
Re: Cranberry shoes by INTRANSIT	27-Jul-04/11:08 AM
a good read. the sentence with the carbon dating is a bit bloody though - I think you could easily fix it up. Focusing more there on the stars' ability to inform Pomma of his mothers death might help that second part, too.
Re: Brats by D. $ Fontera	27-Jul-04/11:00 AM
pretty catchy, really. I think the last stanza brings it down a notch though. What else might go there? a fun piece.
Re: A Forever Splintered Heart by MacFrantic	27-Jul-04/10:52 AM
this style always strikes me as little "list-like" as I have trouble with the line-to-line transitions. One gets the sense the lines exist solely to rhyme. the fourth ("Neon...") stanza works pretty well I think, no? A tough genre to break new ground with though.
Re: a comment on Gap-Fold vs. Sour Milk by Venus	27-Jul-04/10:39 AM
I think with one "unlike now/...different life once" set and some indentation for that section it would make it pretty clear? you might also set it up like a lyric, using that set (plus a bit more) as a chorus then a bridge to set up the last bit. That could work too, I think.
Re: Gap-Fold vs. Sour Milk by Venus	27-Jul-04/3:28 AM
kill the refrain at least, I think - and "just", ghost line is very nice.
Re: Bad animal limericks by INTRANSIT	26-Jul-04/7:54 AM
how sad. how very sad... :)
Re: Respect on a Quiet Hillside by Dovina	26-Jul-04/6:10 AM
interesting location and motivation - no judgement implied; the poem stands out because of it.
Re: I'll Make It Through by cuddlytiger17	16-Jul-04/7:03 PM
Very nice meter, though I'd re-touch the end of the first line of stanza two. The subject is "pimply", but I've seen a worse applications of it. If you're up to it, I'd notch the agony level down a bit, maybe with some images that either describe this feeling you want to convey, or something else. Or, as an intermediate fix, make the last stanza focus soley on the remedy while keeping the second to last as a transition from this agony to hope.
Re: Sacrament by Dovina	15-Jul-04/5:55 PM
Nice. not sure you need the first line of the last stanza. maybe add " always" after "She does it"
Re: Searching by dougsoderstrom	11-Jul-04/7:02 PM
This question of faith is unsolvable by definition - save yourself the trouble and just wait and see. When your heart stops sending blood to your human brain, you will know all you need to know.
Re: a comment on Searching by dougsoderstrom	11-Jul-04/6:55 PM
My turn: "faith is not wanting to know the truth"
Re: a comment on Sugared petrol isn't sweet if your ass is black & blue. by Y2kSlamPoet	11-Jul-04/5:43 AM
Granted - its not like I didn't give you a nine. :P
Re: a comment on Dylan's Odyssey. by Don-Quixote	11-Jul-04/5:42 AM
Yes, yes - looked it up already. thanks.
Re: Bach by Rodavlas	10-Jul-04/7:19 PM
The rhymes aint too bad at all; unforced, and I was liking the sonnet-like structure - until the last line. that has to go, really does.
Re: a comment on Ellis Evans: Rhyfel- War by Sasha	10-Jul-04/7:05 AM
oh, sorry!