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Gap-Fold vs. Sour Milk (Free verse) by Venus
Once… Freshly laundered attire Downy-fresh and Gap-folded tucked away in the correct Oak drawer Now Tank tops and yoga pants strewn about and half-dirty lingerie languishing away in Corona boxes There were meals with more than one course healthy after-school snacks and strawberry smoothies and a proudly bursting dishwasher everyday Now Styrofoam and cardboard guarding open space in the fridge arguing with a sour quart of milk There were the farm duties of family the grocery store and the spelling tests summer camp and vacations to be planned Now Buy more TP, attend a Sedaris reading party upstairs and swallow margs across the street politics du ’jour and a new piece to write Basket of fresh towels in the bathroom serves few Nudes on the walls just clash with putty-colored paint sloppily applied by a former ghost of this box I now call “home”

Up the ladder: Gaia and Man
Down the ladder: Master Takes

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Arithmetic Mean: 7.4
Weighted score: 5.286087
Overall Rank: 3753
Posted: July 25, 2004 8:29 PM PDT; Last modified: July 28, 2004 7:48 AM PDT
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Comments:
[9] Shuushin @ 207.5.211.177 | 27-Jul-04/3:28 AM | Reply
kill the refrain at least, I think - and "just", ghost line is very nice.
[n/a] Venus @ 67.165.242.105 > Shuushin | 27-Jul-04/9:46 AM | Reply
Thanks. How do you think I could better set up the past and present?
[9] Shuushin @ 147.154.235.52 > Venus | 27-Jul-04/10:39 AM | Reply
I think with one "unlike now/...different life once" set and some indentation for that section it would make it pretty clear?

you might also set it up like a lyric, using that set (plus a bit more) as a chorus then a bridge to set up the last bit.

That could work too, I think.
[n/a] Venus @ 67.165.242.105 > Shuushin | 27-Jul-04/11:38 AM | Reply
Thanks for the advice. I'm not really a lyrical sort, but I'll play with the form and repost.
[10] Dan garcia-Black @ 66.159.205.80 | 27-Jul-04/10:29 AM | Reply
I think it needs a refrain. Maybe just a shorter refrain. "Once... there was freshly laundered attire"
"Now... there are tank tops, etc." Let us figure out what happened. Good poem. Great ending.
[n/a] Venus @ 67.165.242.105 > Dan garcia-Black | 27-Jul-04/11:40 AM | Reply
Thanks. I hear you on the shorter refrain. I'll play around with it a bit more.
[9] jessicazee @ 205.188.116.141 | 28-Jul-04/12:08 AM | Reply
"Putty" doesn't need capitalization. Love "tank tops and yoga pants." Also, try it without the ellipese after the "Now"s.
[n/a] Venus @ 67.165.242.105 > jessicazee | 28-Jul-04/7:47 AM | Reply
Thanks, I will.
[10] Dan garcia-Black @ 66.159.205.162 | 28-Jul-04/8:25 AM | Reply
The indentation differentiating between Then and Now works very well.
[n/a] Venus @ 67.165.242.105 > Dan garcia-Black | 28-Jul-04/8:30 AM | Reply
Thanks for the advice and rating!
[10] INTRANSIT @ 205.188.116.70 | 28-Jul-04/9:08 AM | Reply
Yes, I like the reform as well.
[n/a] Venus @ 67.165.242.105 > INTRANSIT | 28-Jul-04/9:27 AM | Reply
Thanks!
[9] Shuushin @ 147.154.235.52 | 29-Jul-04/3:45 PM | Reply
Nicely done!
[n/a] Venus @ 67.165.242.105 > Shuushin | 29-Jul-04/4:37 PM | Reply
Thanks for the suggestions! Any advice on my latest submission...???
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