Help | About | Suggestions | Alms | Chat [0] | Users [0] | Log In | Join
 Search:
Poem: Submit | Random | Best | Worst | Recent | Comments   

Still Life (Free verse) by thetrev
The metal bars drape her trembling body with the criss-crosses light gives some beings as a temporary tattoo, she nests at the bottom. He, however, is restlessly jerking from one perch to another, his neck tilting, contorting, at times as stretched as a cockerel’s. Her under feathers have a layer of dark crust, the back of her neck is raw from his picking. Beyond the cage, feeling godly, I unhinge the door to evacuate her first (a small head start). He is already at the door; the cage has sprouted a new head, taking aim. I cup his body in my hands, one overlapping his beating wings, the other supporting his ringed claws. He clings to my index to better take off, vertically. There he trembles, neck twitching, suspended to the same square. She has kept quiet, hidden behind propped canvas. She picks at the carpet industriously but the ruffle of her train against the fabric give her away. Crooning, he lands on her back, his splayed wings steady him, like a hand spread out on a card table: “innocent” it says. This time she wins, and shakes him off. They travel through the room, she leads him around the sofa, into the undergrowth of the writing desk and through the rug with its dense follicle, rising like tentacles around their beaks. Sticky feathers like cupped hands follow their trail but the light soon betrays through the basin of the cage their shadows returned to the crisscross embrace. The door is left dangling limply open and useless.

Up the ladder: Mavis Beacon, Human.
Down the ladder: Time's End

You must be logged in to leave comments. Vote:

Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
 GraphVotes
10  .. 10
.. 30
.. 00
.. 00
.. 00
.. 00
.. 00
.. 00
.. 00
.. 00
.. 01

Arithmetic Mean: 7.4
Weighted score: 5.286087
Overall Rank: 3762
Posted: September 25, 2007 2:04 PM PDT; Last modified: September 25, 2007 2:04 PM PDT
View voting details
Comments:
[9] Skamper @ 58.171.12.148 | 25-Sep-07/10:18 PM | Reply
I feel I want to read more into this than what is apparant - I will take it at face value and maybe add just hint of human emotion to it. I enjoyed it - scene well captured
[9] richa @ 82.2.211.159 | 26-Sep-07/2:02 PM | Reply
The first image you are going for is I think light through the bars of a cage. OK I quite like the tattoo but the phrasing is imprecise. The bars do not drape they are passive in their interaction with the light. Next up the he and she, I think I can just about make out they are supposed to be birds if I read further but why obscure that we are dealing with birds in a cage (the cockerel simile confuses rather than elucidates without such important details). 'Beyond the cage, feeling godly,' is just pretentious Dovina and the poem works better jumping straight into I unhinge the cage. Likewise '“innocent” it says'. Likewise 'the light betrays'. And 'The door is left dangling limply'. Too much redundancy, it should read 'the door dangles limply' except doors don't dangle limply so it should really be replaced with something that makes sense. Overall though it needs tightening up so it more resembles a poem. All the 'he is already at the door' 'they travel through the room' 'I unhinge the door to evacuate her first' is just so damn prosaic.
140 view(s)




Track and Plan your submissions ; Read some Comics ; Get Paid for your Poetry
PoemRanker Copyright © 2001 - 2024 - kaolin fire - All Rights Reserved
All poems Copyright © their respective authors
An internet tradition since June 9, 2001