| Poem: Submit | Random | Best | Worst | Recent | Comments |
|
I'll Make It Through (Lyric) by cuddlytiger17 I'll hide behind some baggy clothes
And a mask you cannot see
Waiting for the day to come
When you will rescue me
Until that day here I stand
Accepting life this way/Absorbing what you say
Clinging to the hope that you
Will be with me one day/Will come for me some day
And right now that's all I need
To struggle through this misery
And right now you're all I need
I'll make it through this agony
All it takes is just one word
What once was bad now seems absurd
'N' after all this time you'll see
You're the one who carried me
And right now you're all I need
I'll make it through this agony...
Up the ladder:
Penny Loafer Blues
Down the ladder:
At the door
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: 6.5
Posted: July 16, 2004 6:46 PM PDT; Last modified: July 16, 2004 7:19 PM PDTWeighted score: 5.4034123 Overall Rank: 3135 Comments:
[n/a]
cuddlytiger17 @ 209.105.158.116
|
16-Jul-04/6:47 PM
|
Reply
I know this isn't very good, it needs quite a bit of work. I'd appreciate any positive suggestions. :)
[2]
?-Dave_Mysterious-? @ 80.42.83.114
> cuddlytiger17
|
16-Jul-04/7:43 PM
|
Reply
Interesting. It has a similar theme to my new poem, "An Old Man's Folly."
[n/a]
cuddlytiger17 @ 209.105.158.116
> ?-Dave_Mysterious-?
|
16-Jul-04/7:51 PM
|
Reply
sure...? lol
[2]
?-Dave_Mysterious-? @ 80.42.89.53
> cuddlytiger17
|
17-Jul-04/4:16 PM
|
Reply
No, honsetly. They are both explorations of the stark duality of man.
[n/a]
cuddlytiger17 @ 209.105.158.147
> ?-Dave_Mysterious-?
|
17-Jul-04/5:34 PM
|
Reply
can i ask why you gave me a zero? Is it really that bad? I mean I know it's corny, but I've read much worse...
[2]
?-Dave_Mysterious-? @ 80.42.90.249
> cuddlytiger17
|
18-Jul-04/2:28 PM
|
Reply
That's a fair comment. I have upgraded you to a 2.
[n/a]
cuddlytiger17 @ 209.105.158.149
> ?-Dave_Mysterious-?
|
18-Jul-04/4:38 PM
|
Reply
lol thanks i appreciate that. But really, why so low?
Very nice meter, though I'd re-touch the end of the first line of stanza two.
The subject is "pimply", but I've seen a worse applications of it. If you're up to it, I'd notch the agony level down a bit, maybe with some images that either describe this feeling you want to convey, or something else. Or, as an intermediate fix, make the last stanza focus soley on the remedy while keeping the second to last as a transition from this agony to hope.
What do you think about it this way? is it any better? I changed it before i read ur comment though, so i dint get a chance to consider what you had said...
You're getting better.
Personally I think this is pretty bad. I don't do too well with expressing positive emotions, at least not in writing. They come out sounding pretty corny. lol. But thank you! :)
could be a bit better considering it's a lyric, where in ny are you from anyway? (8)
yea i know it could be. its the first one i've ever really written. I'm from central NY, not too far north of syracuse. why?
just askin cause I live in Queens
224 view(s)
|
||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
