Re: paint me a poem (try 2) by nentwined	13-Nov-03/7:17 AM
an epiphimal transformation, and I don't agree that it feels forced. The cadence is flawless and that should erase any perceived awkwardness. Granted, the perspective is a bit... whats the word? 'Commanding'? 'Pretentious' is too strong - whatever; it works fine to my ear. Rock on.
Re: Call Vegas!!! by INTRANSIT	12-Nov-03/8:02 AM
Interesting observation - rings true. Have a Ten.
Re: Justice Reborn by heartlessempath	12-Nov-03/7:41 AM
A nice bit of prose here and well said. Some of the line breaks seem not to help though, and serve mostly to remind that this really is a collection of paragraphs within a larger story - with a rushed ending.
Re: Sunset by NoSage	12-Nov-03/7:18 AM
Nice snippet - makes me want more. An excellent chorus - Where is more?
Re: a comment on paint me a poem with pictures by nentwined	11-Nov-03/7:07 AM
Well, since you asked - maybe another verb, maybe something beginning with "f": fling me, find me, flip me, you could come up with a good one, surely. as for dribble... if made to stop and ponder the word, as you have just done to me, it brings to mind an old man who can't quite relieve himself, or who can't stop ... or a chocolate desert topping; and that's a bit disturbing [that I have both images together]. I'm telling myself that for the latter I was thinking of "drizzle", so that would work well, I like that one. As an aside, you can pretty much shuffle the first words of the last three lines around without changing the meaning - but the first line has picture and paint together working well. Maybe you could do something like that with the other lines, though it might mess with the cadence if you aren't carefull. I notice that drizzle and drought would go... hand and time would work too... okay, my head is starting to hurt, but maybe you have enough ideas for another piece.
Re: a comment on Mother Murder by horus8	10-Nov-03/7:45 PM
What did you try, exactly? As for the ketchup, you could have at least taken it out of the little packets first.
Re: paint me a poem with pictures by nentwined	10-Nov-03/2:33 PM
WHAT A PIECE OF CRAP!! (actually, I only said that to give you a sense of balance - it has a light feeling to it, and a very nice cadence, that wins over any feelings of 'easy' rhyme). Maybe could do with replacing the word "rhyme" - but, really it's fine as is.
Re: Octubre 1992 by The Eskimo King	10-Nov-03/11:03 AM
And by the way, your pies: ARE AWESOME!!
Re: Octubre 1992 by The Eskimo King	10-Nov-03/10:51 AM
I won't hazard a vote, but even without the benefit of knowing the language enough to get a proper impression, there are few thoughts I like (or at least what I think they are, I like). the idea of doubt creating damage in this way feels like something I want to know more about. saying the full moon is romantic, is a bit 'done', though - regardless of the language, especially since this piece is rich in descriptors. Flat translation: Duer to me heart becomes cloudy the sky the storm will make more fort rain the reason will take care of your dream so that the doubt does not do damage to you. It rests in the bed of the illusion dressed in savannahs of the hope pillows of pleasing memories and by blanket your anxieties. It dreams about the shining sun the serenity of that sea in calm the fresh breeze of the dusk and the romantic Full Moon. Fleet in the apparent dark of one night without stars that your beats plot the course towards those sublime and beside the point beautiful things.
Re: Mother Murder by horus8	10-Nov-03/10:40 AM
I can't get past the fact that it's blatant rip-off of "on top of old smokey". Poor meatball.
Re: Awefucked by a Shushin Shitzu (freefuck) by <{Baba^Yaga}>	8-Nov-03/9:10 PM
With the exception of all the fucks, and fuckings, and maybe's (the boy never can commit, can he) - this thing is really brilliant.
Re: a comment on The Birth of an Incubus (Born a child of scorn) by SupremeDreamer	8-Nov-03/6:50 AM
then you will definitely have to deal with that last line - its off precisely because it's struggling to be iambic (at least something dissyllabic, imho). go ahead, give me shit for spouting poetic on a poetry board, beotches.
Re: Hurt never dies by hobojo	8-Nov-03/6:09 AM
I kept trying to figure if you have a bible reference in here (since you have synoptic) - but I gave up, sorry. Do you? Searching for meaning (I've put in as much as can be expected).
Re: a comment on Awefucked by a Shushin Shitzu (freefuck) by <{Baba^Yaga}>	8-Nov-03/5:30 AM
He's making fun of my previous poem.
Re: The Birth of an Incubus (Born a child of scorn) by SupremeDreamer	8-Nov-03/5:29 AM
Hey, not bad! - that last line though felt one beat too heavy; a slight nit. "children of scorn" was cute - made me think of children of the corn (natch). Stylistically the yoderian reversal of "liquored were", and "fuddled were" works out since it's consistent in two stanzas - that I can handle. Sometimes it's overdone (no probs here).
Re: a comment on BREATH by ShaNoN+960317485	8-Nov-03/5:21 AM
I'm guessing that means, "yes" (you meant to leave it off)
Re: Memory by SILYLILGURL	7-Nov-03/9:23 PM
This could be remade stronger, probably by halving the size - it's a universal emotion, to be sure; I think its worth keeping.
Re: 7 Days of Suicide by dragonfly	7-Nov-03/9:15 PM
Awwwwww - we find a Bjork fan in our midst. Did you throw car parts and cutlery off the peak too? I'm just giving a gentle ribbing (for your pleasure); you've given this some fresh angles.
Re: Paper Bag Scenario by dragonfly	7-Nov-03/9:11 PM
I like this quite alot. Does anyone remember the unknown comic (Gong Show)? He wore a bag on his head too. Did you shed your clothes for the unkown comic??
Re: Naylor's Handbag by Bobjim	7-Nov-03/9:07 PM
Love the title. The rest - quite good too, catchy and smoove. Nice!