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paint me a poem with pictures (Lyric) by nentwined Picture me a poem with the paint of a mind,
give me a beauty that will last throughout time,
rhyme me a reason to forestall all doubt,
dribble me words to sustain me through drought.
Up the ladder:
Eros, and Psycho
Down the ladder:
The 80's
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: 6.756757
Posted: November 9, 2003 8:04 PM PST; Last modified: November 9, 2003 8:04 PM PSTWeighted score: 6.75654 Overall Rank: 454 The following users have marked this poem on their favorites list:
Comments:
Thank god for the last two sentences becauses I almost wretched from Ikea poetry overload.
mind time doubt rhyme, drought dribble. :)
I have become convinced that the sole purpose of this poem is to deliberately confuse the reader so greatly that when he finally deciphers the claptrap within, he confuses his enormous relief that the ordeal is over with a sense of joy and beauty-appreciation. 10!!!1
I knew (knew?) that it was bad, but y'all are confusing me like no other. picture give rhyme dribble!
Call me wierd. I like it as is. It makes sense to me. It's just a request from a reader to a poet for some things. It works. But I don't like (dribble) . trickle , maybe. Dribble makes me think of infirm people.
WHAT A PIECE OF CRAP!!
(actually, I only said that to give you a sense of balance - it has a light feeling to it, and a very nice cadence, that wins over any feelings of 'easy' rhyme). Maybe could do with replacing the word "rhyme" - but, really it's fine as is.
what would you replace rhyme with?
and I'm leaning towards not using dribble; thoughts on that? there's a suggestion above... trickle. Which I like worse. I'm thinking... hmm. No, maybe I am thinking dribble. I need a thesaurus. ;) [[thesaurus.com: distill, drip, drivel, drizzle, drool, drop, leak, ooze, run, salivate, seep, slaver, slobber, spout, squirt, trill, weep ]] hmm. I kinda like weep. DRIZZLE. Yes. I think v2 will be drizzle. ;)
Well, since you asked - maybe another verb, maybe something beginning with "f": fling me, find me, flip me, you could come up with a good one, surely.
as for dribble... if made to stop and ponder the word, as you have just done to me, it brings to mind an old man who can't quite relieve himself, or who can't stop ... or a chocolate desert topping; and that's a bit disturbing [that I have both images together]. I'm telling myself that for the latter I was thinking of "drizzle", so that would work well, I like that one. As an aside, you can pretty much shuffle the first words of the last three lines around without changing the meaning - but the first line has picture and paint together working well. Maybe you could do something like that with the other lines, though it might mess with the cadence if you aren't carefull. I notice that drizzle and drought would go... hand and time would work too... okay, my head is starting to hurt, but maybe you have enough ideas for another piece.
Very well done. Finally, a poet.I was wondering if I might find one here.
Hmm. There are many poets here, and despite all the flattery I don't. Eh. Nice to meet you, in any case. But, I was going to say--there are many poets here, some of them are just very good at hiding. And they do tend to be overwhelmed by folks who think they are poets. Who are in turn overwhelmed by those that poke fun at anything. Some of whom are poets. And some of whom think they are poets. And there are overlaps all about.
Yes, Sliver has brought me kindof up to date on that, I just found out today that he writes and I was pleasantly surprised with a few of his. What do you think of finishing the poem with /sustain me throughout/then find a way to change L2?
to drop the syllables in l2 to match the last?
I'll ponder it. I admit the beauty is probably the weakest line. But I like its flow.
I think the syllable sounds of a word are more important than syllables per line. That is why the flow of different haikus can be so variable.
The only problem I see here is forestall (the same as stall?) it seems to stop my reading dead.
Picture me a poem with the paint of a mind,
give me a beauty that will last through time, rhyme me a reason to forestall all doubt, dribble me words to sustain me throughout. Nothing major, it seems to flow better like this
Line 4 makes this.
:studies line 4 carefully:
thank you. Dribble didn't throw you? ((there's movement for the b's to be replaced by z's))
Classy!! Beautiful work!
Cute I like it!
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sorry. (it's what one gets at a poem a day)
I'm honestly amazed by the votes it's getting.
It's the middle stanza of something that didn't really work right (imo), though the full thing is getting kudos also, elsewhere. I'm really having to wonder if people are just being nice to me.
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