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Vodka kisses & the final sigh. (Villanelle) by SupremeDreamer
Red sky & vodka kisses good-bye; was nice talkin 'n smokin, till our last mumbles & the final sigh. Fatigue our bodies can not deny; bitter 'n grim, like sin, & morning vodka kisses good-bye. Glasses full, yet our lips remain dry & the sky keeps burnin till our last mumbles & the final sigh Time passes, stoagies start to die & blue smoke turns thin; our mood vodka kissed good-bye. Brow drooped, smile quite zany & wry- slammed the last shot of gin before our mumbling & the final sigh. Rubbin my sore & encrusted left eye, as my belly starts churnin- from red sky, vodka kisses good-bye & bloody morning stirring my final sigh.

Down the ladder: Battle of the brains

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Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
10  .. 51
.. 60
.. 01
.. 10
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Arithmetic Mean: 6.8421054
Weighted score: 6.7547417
Overall Rank: 454
Posted: May 4, 2004 2:03 PM PDT; Last modified: May 4, 2004 2:03 PM PDT
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The following users have marked this poem on their favorites list:

INTRANSIT, Shuushin, pain killer

[10] INTRANSIT @ | 4-May-04/2:30 PM | Reply
Yes. Small nits. Stogies-dump'em. Cigar even works better. Lose (quite) add comma.

The bloody morning-suggesting a bloody mary, excellent.
Over all 01.
[n/a] SupremeDreamer @ > INTRANSIT | 8-May-04/4:49 AM | Reply
I have decided to incorporate your suggestions into version II of the above villanelle-- I'm currently forging it in my tropical, subterranean poetry cupola; it'll be posted soon.
[9] richa @ | 4-May-04/2:49 PM | Reply
very good, your best vilanelle yet
[n/a] SupremeDreamer @ > richa | 8-May-04/5:07 AM | Reply
Thank you, I'm very proud and pleased with this piece myself. I've been trying to hone my skills in crafting vilanelles for some time now.

I've gotten pretty good with form, rhyme-scheme & structure;
now I'm working on improving my use of meter, or in reality, my nonexistent use of meter-- I didn't really give much attention to meter in my earlier works, so it's time I integrated that into my style & writing technique.
[10] Shuushin @ | 4-May-04/5:49 PM | Reply
*Very* nice, really well suited to the form -

Added to my faves.
[n/a] SupremeDreamer @ > Shuushin | 8-May-04/5:18 AM | Reply
Thanks for your comment- it's appreciated, & I'm honored that the above villanelle of mine is one of your favs. It's my latest written success; I was coasting slightly below average after posting my ode "I Married an Infectious Woman (My Love, Futility)".
[10] pain killer @ > SupremeDreamer | 28-Jun-04/12:45 PM | Reply
Truly lovely....ten
[1] deleted user @ | 10-Jun-06/4:30 AM | Reply
Not much good.
[0] Edna Sweetlove @ | 18-Jun-06/5:44 PM | Reply
illiterate horse dung.
[n/a] SupremeDreamer @ > Edna Sweetlove | 20-Sep-06/8:56 AM | Reply
Ah, ok Edna, relax now, we all know I'm not illiterate. Just twisted. :) You wanna make some sweet love now? I like it rough, maybe you can do some dominatrix shit, eh? C'mon Edna, lets make sweet love together!! Call me, 1-800-MAN-SLUT, aight? I'll give you a fuckin discount.
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